That Mansion I Spoke Of (I think the devil is playing you)

Part One 

In every story, there is a beginning and an end. Even if things have been going on for an infinite amount of time, given the right tools, you could still suss out the beginnings of something, somewhere, as well as its end. The beauty of the concept of infinity lies in its endlessness, which seems to be a comfort to us in the human race. When it comes to the conclusions I've made about life and death, with my previous post in mind, the only thing that has ever stood the test of time between the world that comes before, the world we are currently in, and the one we are bound to go to when we die, is love. I believe (know) love is eternal and we can know this because we know how to love. Case closed. 

Long ago, when I was somewhere in my early teens or perhaps a few years prior, I remember my mother often played a gospel song she liked to listen to and it talked about The Bride, meaning Christians who are bound in a sort of holy matrimony, to Jesus, collectively. I try to keep my thoughts clear as I consider this, but in some ways, the menagerie of denominations that abound under the banner of Christianity made me feel deeply confused about who was invited to the wedding. So, I set that part of things aside and paid close attention to the music that emerged from that time frame. There is one song in particular that comes to mind in conjunction with my discussion about music. It's titled The Voice of Many Waters by The Younce Brothers. You can find the song here (I also highlight it in my next blog post here). There comes a  a point at the crescendo of the song where a clip preaching belts out a statement. It goes like this: little bride, you're not in the winner's circle, you are the winner. There's a cloud of many witnesses saying that you can make it. 

And then another voice chimes in, passionately. It says this:

Run, just get back and run! Run back to the word! 

And so on.

There were three things that really came to my attention with these statements in mind. I was fascinated by the concept of being a "bride"and in my mind's eye, I could see a wedding dance in a big circle (the reference to the circle is the second thing that I noticed, in other words) and the part at the end where the man speaking these words aloud, in a trance-like state, highlights the concept of running back to the WORD? It sticks out like a sore thumb. 

Well, what is the word? It is the Bible, according to Christian context. 

There are many faiths in this world who have their own version of the Bible so I am going to sidestep the inherent debates on that issue and carry on with this post as I am hoping to convey a sort of understanding of how my mind connects the dots when it comes to codes and patterns in music. The aforementioned music was published in the late 1900s, if not earlier, if my memory serves me correctly. The song is sung in a country twang and it has a pretty good little beat and so on. I liked it, I guess. It stuck with me.  

This piece of information sits on a shelf in one of the rooms in the mansion's worth of rooms I have in my mind where I collect things I like. It's been in there for years. However, one of the road-blocks that I hit when I was trying to subscribe to a Christian-centric belief system when I was growing up involved music. When I "gave my heart to the Lord," as they say, I was encouraged to cut out all my non-Christian music, which I tried to do in good faith. I always hit a major wall when this cycle began, however, and started this deeper investigation of what it was I was putting in my ears. A lot of the stuff I listened to when I was a teenager was easy for me to disregard because I had lived through the Hells Bells documentary hysteria and already concluded that particular film to be more about control through fear than an effective investigation into the good versus evil that may (or may not) exist within music. I was no slouch when it came to this subject. I took it very seriously. I was the first person to bring Nine Inch Nails to the high school dance–as the pendulum swings. 

Part Two

The one album I refused to let go of was The Future by Leonard Cohen. I had ordered it through Columbia House, on a whim, but it was one of those times that music seemed to be trying to find me, not vice versa. I ordered it. Tried it and found it to be remarkably deep and weighty and intimidating, but definitely something to hold on to. As I began the process of sifting through music I deemed to be okay, as a good Christian girl, I tossed out all the hair bands and the obvious choices. I tried out a lot of Christian rock (didn't like any of it) and so on. But the one album I could not bring myself to do away with was The Future. I knew in my heart of hearts Leonard Cohen was inherently good, even if he did not sing solely about Christian themes, or so I thought, at the time. There was no argument to be found in my consciousness, at any rate, that could convince me to discard that album. Rather, I clung to it as a reference point and even to this very day, it is the metric system of choice, for me, when it comes time to recalibrate my morals, my faith, my sense of True North, and my belief in the inherent goodness of the human race. And also, when it comes to my concept of love. Love is a sensation I feel the moment Leonard Cohen's voice hits my ears, regardless of the song. His voice rings through all eternity in the resonance of love. It's this sense of love that I follow when I trace my footsteps back and forth from one realm to the next, or one room to the next, in reference that mental mansion I spoke of earlier. 

This album is in the same room as the song I discussed at the beginnings of this post, but it is on my desk in that room, centre of the ink blotter and under a green reading lamp. When I go in this room, I often take the time to listen to at least a few of the songs on this album and it sets my sails to right, it soothes my heart. It emboldens me. 

I travel up and down the snakes and ladders (that's a Cohen reference, by the way) as often as I can and in this way, I've been collecting and storing information that has come to me as I swim through my sea of thoughts and ideas, day to day. This is a representational outcome of growing up without a father and an artist mother. I was provided with the basics, and perhaps was in want at times, but I often enjoyed an unhindered life and once my chores were done and my schoolwork complete (self-disciplined, on both accounts) I would be free to do what I wanted to do. I spent a lot of time in my bedroom, listening to my favourite albums and drawing, to be precise. 

I passed through the phase of desiring to be a part of an organized religion, though I adore the concept of Christ and its inherent power, I still find solace in nature to be all the church I can handle and I use my working hours to care for my fellow human beings so, I feel I've struck a good balance. But as I sifted through what worked for me and what didn't, I had a few interesting experiences. 

The only rock concert I have ever been to was a Christian rock band and I was part of the so-called "security" team and before the band arrived at the venue, everyone stood around talking about how wonderful these musicians were, how dreamy, how perfect. I got a little antsy because I felt somewhat insignificant in the grand scheme of things and was too shy to interject any form of opinion, but I felt generally annoyed to have to be there. My bedroom was a much more exciting place to be, for me, and yet these folks were barely holding their sh– together over a Christian rock band. Good grief. 

The neon lights were making me feel weird and I just wanted the whole thing to get over with, before it began. I guess you could say I was cynical and deeply skeptical. I also knew the Bible cautioned us against worshipping anyone but God, and I was seeing some legitimate idol worship going on. These people were definitely under the spell of this band (which ended up being quite famous, but I won't name it for personal reasons) and as I watched them emerge on stage, and the subsequent reaction of the people in the audience, I marvelled at what I saw. Juxtaposed against the painstaking attention I gave to the music I listened to, over the years, versus the display I saw before me, I felt immediately betrayed. 

What I was observing was a rock n' roll concert. It was a bunch of dudes, obviously dressed by stylists, playing the drums, a guitar and a bass. There was a lead singer and one guy in particular with really long blonde hair, which was being whipped around every bit as well as anything Dave Mustane was ever known for. Dave Mustane is the lead singer of the band Megadeth, by the way. At that moment I just totally gave up on this whole thing as being anything less than a mainstream rock concert with a bit of Christian idealisms sprinkled in here and there. The girls where going nuts over the guy with the hair. Everyone was dancing. I left. I was not supposed to, but I did. So, I guess that makes me the bad guy at the end of the day because I was security, after all. Someone could have been seriously hurt or injured, but I don't think I was missed. 

Part Three

It was a learning experience to be sure and it still leaves a very bitter taste in my mouth. I think it's because I was hoping I would experience something holy or faith inspiring. Neither of those things happened and I realized I had spent a lot of time and energy volunteering for this event, only to be totally let down. I had obligations to reach out to the people who I had connected with there (aka, lead to Jesus) and there was one woman who I did help, in that sense, as per the instruction manual. However, by the time I had comes to terms with the concert experience (which was part of an enormous crusade) I was in doubt. I did not feel confident enough about my faith, after the fact, to be a source of comfort for anyone and I completely shirked my duties to contact her. I have no idea who she was. If I am honest, it was not so much a spiritual event as a sort of meat market kind of thing. It was all about getting people signed up, as if getting signed up was the ticket to get into heaven. Maybe it was, but maybe it was not. I could not differentiate between this event and any other secular one I had been to except to say any form of secular event usually had a much more profound effect on me due, most likely, to the fact I held no previous expectations as I would have if it were a non-secular event. If that sounds confusing, well, it is. Until you compare one experience to the other. I've had more of an emotionally impactful experience in a highschool drama than I did in that whole crusade experience, that much I can tell you. What does that tell me? 

It tells me quite a lot. When it comes to power and the power of love, specifically, there are elements within music that create an effectual current and there are elements that do not. The aforementioned Christian band did not possess the same form of power that Leonard Cohen's The Future has within every single note, for example. It's that missing link which intrigued me endlessly. 

Part Four

There is a man in my local region who is known for his ability to possess an entire library's worth of information regarding anything concerning the military. This topic is one that he holds a deep interest in and he is also, incidentally, identified as autistic. This fact is pertinent because one of the inherent qualities that reveals a neurodivergent mind is this ultra intense interest in certain things. Being someone who identifies as a neurodivergent woman, I share an understanding of what it's like to be completely absorbed in certain topics. The guys who is deeply interested in the military has a sort of museum to showcase his fascination (and collection) and it is a real place. As for me? My gallery is all in my head. To figure out a way to show you what's hanging on the walls in there, it's not easy. There is a lot of information to sift through. I don't know where to begin so I will skip ahead many many years and go back to discussing the Swiss band Zeal and Ardor and the message, as it where, that I had hoped to share (face to face) with the protagonist in this plot. In the realization that this story needs to be told sooner or later, I have decided to open the doors to the public and do my best to explain what I see when it comes to this band and what it seems to stand for (or not) as the case may be. Disclaimer: I realize all art is SUBJECTIVE, so take this assessment for whatever it is worth to you. 

Part Five

The one thing that seems to be eternal in this world is love. Love is the power that generates deep connection, timeless affection, the desire to protect, nurture and to heal one another. If we did not have love, we would not care about anything at all, but if you look inside yourself, you will have to admit there is a veritable hurricane of things swirling around inside of you, which you feel passionate about. It doesn't matter what these things are at the moment, I just ask that you consider what it is you love, what it is that moves you, and ask yourself why. What is the common denominator in all those things? It is love, of course, in all its forms. Hate is very close to love, on the emotional spectrum, but on the other side of hate, it is highly likely there is something you also love in equal measure. I follow these strands of love within my own life and the path has proven to be very straight, and indeed very narrow, as I look behind me. I have learned, through careful self-observation, that I follow the same cycles over and over again, much like the path in a labyrinth. I've realized lately the reason I am attracted to certain cycles is because I have found my centre, my True North, as they call it, and when I am off-kilter it is very uncomfortable. I constantly seek to remain balanced and when I think of this, I think of a huge sailing ship out on stormy seas. It is imperative for a ship like that to keep its balance. I am that ship, my balance is my happiness. What makes me the happiest is when I am connected to that vein of love I feel all around me, at times. It is in this particular head-space that I feel close to my father and I feel like I've somehow found the key to all infinity. When it comes to the love I have for him, there seems to be no beginning, there seems to be no end. For me, it is the ways in which I pick and chose the music I enjoy that sends me higher and higher up the proverbial ladder, in the aforementioned game of snakes and ladders, and once I am at the top, I often feel I've reached heaven and though I cannot exactly see my father, I swear to you I can feel his presence all around me. When I do, death is but a mere illusion, a lie we've been taught to believe. What I am quite sure I KNOW is this; there is no end. We are infinite beings and its this system I've built in my imagination which has helped me to not only test, but confirm that fact. 

To put it all in a nutshell, which I may crack open in my next post, the reason the band Zeal and Ardor struck me as it did is because it highlights a few things I find to be correlative to the metaphorical trinkets I have stored away in my mind (mental mansion, let's say) and they start with the song I highlighted at the beginning of this post. If you can recall, there were several elements which struck me within the lyrics of the song, which were not sung, exactly, but spoken aloud, similar to a chant, but not quite a chant. Those things included a circle, a bride, and the command to run back to the word. 

Run back to the word. Run back to the word. Run back to the word. 

I always chewed on that phrase and wondered exactly what it meant to the folks singing it. I know they are encouraging their listeners to return back to the Bible (thereby implying there has been a straying event of some kind). But what part of the Bible did they specifically think we should run back to? It is a question that wars have been fought over, people have died and been persecuted over, and so on and so on. It's a very complicated and destructive mess, in some regards. When I stumbled upon Zeal and Ardor and saw that the band's symbol contained the first and last letters of the English alphabet (Z and A) I was sort of shocked. These letters encompass every and all words within any language that uses these letters to form itself. These letters represent words. All words. Ummm... The word?  As they exist within the circle of the symbol, they are placed above and below the traditional symbol for Lucifer. The first time I saw this, I was taken aback somewhat. I wondered if the band's creator, Manuel Gagneux, knew about this old gospel tune and was applying his usual schtick (the devil is fine) to the premise of his band with this whole thing. I realized the likelihood of him knowing about this old gospel tune was very slim because the album was a small-town production put together by some guys who went to church together. It was not exactly accessible to the world-at-large. So, I chalked it up to coincidence, but my gosh, what a coincidence. In one fell swoop, along with the non-traditional drum patterns, the blatant and admitted blasphemy, and the incorporation of Satanic chants within the lyrics of this band's songs, Gagneux had managed to commandeer the building blocks of the Christian religion in one fell swoop. And if you ask me, all this came about out of three possibilities: either it was an intentional stroke of genius on Gagneux's part, it was merely a co-incidence (though some folks do not believe in coincidence and I am one of those folks) or it was the work of the Devil (Lucifer) himself, using Gagneux as a willing pawn in his game of corruption. I realize this sounds somewhat fanatical but so does Gagneux's music if you define fanatical as way over the top. I know his fans don't think his music is way over the top at all, but I do. I just think its plain reckless to do what Gagneux is doing in his music, to be frank. The very moment I heard this music, in fact, I felt something was amiss. I heard something within it that caused me to sit a little straighter and listen a little more closely. Within my initial experience, I heard something that gave me quite a fright. What was it? 

I can tell you straight away that my general conclusion is the effect this band has is because it subscribes to a formula that incorporates the true power of spiritualism while upturning the content of said spiritualism (the question it asks is in regards to the possible outcomes of slaves turning to Satan instead of Jesus in their time of peril). It is well known that Gagneux borrowed his inspiration (and I use the term borrowed very very loosely) from 'Negro Spirituals' with all due respect, and there's something in that formula that has gained the band a unique brand of success. Their work is repeatedly heralded as powerful and fans love it. I initially loved it, too, current events notwithstanding. 

It is this vein of thought I wanted to navigate when I made up my mind to find a way to communicate with Gagneux. In fact, at the time, it seemed extremely urgent to show Gagneux the parallels between his music and all the things I've compiled in my little room of information. It's the sense of urgency which I find to be the most problematic aspect of this entire exchange, in fact. I sensed an urgency in the spirit realm that was being directly effected in the realms of sound, which translates as a vibration. I have mentioned it before but I will also mention it again now. In 2020, I was keying in to what I can only describe as a certain type of vibration. I saw patterns and codes in all things around me and those codes and patterns were telling me things I didn't know how to convey. 

Part Six

I chose the name Accihte (on Spotify if you're curious) for my music project in conjunction with the revelation of this code, as well as a few other things. It means "turn red" in the 12,000 year old Passamaquoddy language system, indigenous to the region where I was born, which is represented in an online data base and a tool I utilized frequently as I tried to sort out what happened to me in 2020. My grandfather's heritage stems from the Indigenous people in my region, I discovered. I initially considered tuning in to this rhythm I am talking about as a component to my Scottish heritage, which runs deep. But over the course of time, and through a variety of experiences, I have concluded that it is through the heritage passed down to me on my paternal grandfather's side which may be the source of this trait and it leads to some very interesting conclusions regarding the origins of language in its rawest forms. It's a varied and intricate conclusion that would not translate well within a blog post but suffice it to say, I chose the name because it starts with the letter A. The Alpha. And by that, my implication was to suggest the origins of all language. I realize this concept is not accessible to those on the outside looking in, without proper context, but in my imagination, if not elsewhere, I considered my form of understanding of The Word in conjunction with the entire premise of Zeal and Ardor. Unfortunately, I will plainly state, I smelled a rat. There was no way Gagneux could know he had broken a code with this symbol, right? It is very hard to say, but when I started to connect the dots within the realms of sound, the picture that emerged was as shocking as it was powerful and in a flash of lightning, or so it seemed, all the years worth of songs, story lines, musings and so on, that I took interest in seemed to line up in a form of a mental deluge that blasted through my mind at such an alarming rate, I could not contain it all. All I could do was offer a stream of consciousness form of record keeping, mired in a whole lot of nonsense because what I saw in this burst of inspiration was the fact that Gagneux had, innocently, I believe, put himself in harm's way on an eternal scale and it seemed like it was my very birth right to save his soul, whatever it takes. 

At the height of this experience, I had a dream that a very pale, very thin, very near-death Gagneux fell through the layers of my apartment building, down through the ceiling, and onto my dining room table. His lungs were full of ash, he was curled in a fetal position, he was in such pain he could not respond to the world around him. Once I saw that vision, I was told to get to work and let him know that he is wrong. That there is such a thing as mercy and though the truth may hurt like hell, tell it to him anyway. Time was of the essence. 

So, there in lies the reasons why I pummelled my social media with as much information as I could. Once the gears started to turn, I started to see a lot of parallels in the music I loved and the common theme was always love. Love was the one theme that the band Zeal and Ardor had been totally devoid of, thereby picking up on and perpetuating a vibration of despair, something that eventually leads to one's doom. Mix with that the symbology, the blasphemy, the irregular drum patterns and let's not forget the screaming... well? 

Indeed. Well, what?

Incidentally, days after I had this terrible dream, the room above my dining room table was totally pulverized by real-estate sharks and the interior revealed charred timbers and the smell of smoke lingered behind layers of lath and plaster. We had to move. 

Part Seven

My suspicions were that Gagneux had been commandeered by a power much stronger than anything he could have predicted and though from what I understand, he has become a hero of sorts, I still maintain that heroism is coming at a steep consequence to those who take the music to heart. The way in which Gagneux has been able to channel the power of spiritualism to the admiration of Lucifer is where things get a little tricky and the audience is duped in an instant by its effects. These effects were put in place by the real-life struggles of the people who invented them. They were used as tools of sound, to lead people to freedom and out of darkness, sometimes quite literally. There is power within them because there is blood within them. There is power in the blood, always. They are born from the rhythms and repetitions of suffering human bodies and so, of course they have power. But in what direction should that power be focused? With all this in mind, it is no mere coincidence that Gagneux's band can take hold of a room. It's a winning combination in so many ways, it's sort of scary for someone like me, who sees it as a sort of spiritual centipede held together by screams. I shake my head. How can this be? 

I go back to the dream I had. Gagnuex was in serious trouble. I wondered if anyone else would see what I see. I doubted it highly and those close enough to him to sense any trouble whatsoever would most likely overlook it for the greater good. The greater good is the success that has bloomed right before their very eyes in ways that even Gagneux himself admits are totally absurd. So what is going on here? 

I have my theories and I will leave them for another day, but I would like to point out that the element of love does spring up in most recent works and I though I am keeping it at arm's length, nevertheless, I hope it means this band will change their course and redirect that element of power they have so freely enjoyed. It exists for the taking, but Negro Spirituals are not experimental music. Much like the bagpipe of the Scots, the beating of the drum to the Natives, or the humming of a bumblebee's wings, these sounds have origins of purpose and that purpose will ring out for all eternity. Therefore, in my opinion, sound is a powerful tool that can be used for good or for bad and if the Nazi regime was not already aware of that, then why does the music that stems from their sources cause me to see and hear things I have no real-world experience with such as death marches, seeing red through a haze of anger, or an uncanny ability to recognize it before I understand what I am recognizing? Where is it all coming from? Once again, not surprisingly, Gagneux borrowed concepts from someone else to write one of his more popular songs. Götterdammerung , specifically and it is at this point that I really start to question Gagneux's motives as a songwriter. This song is derived from the work of German composer Richard Wagner whose reputation is closely associated with Nazism and he was supposedly Adolph Hitler's favourite composer as well. In Gagneux's own words he claims Wagner was a "raging antisemite" which he proceeded to follow up with "read a book" before he blocked me on Instagram (which is hilarious given this particular situation here). I don't know about anyone else, but I have learned through dealing with Gagneux on various levels, I am not allowed to ask questions about his work, but I digress. 

I do wonder why would Gagneux associate his band and his music with someone like that on one album while attempting to convey a message of alternative freedoms on another album? Is it all just a big joke to him? Or is he just trying to insult the intelligence of the world at large? I assumed this band stood for something, but I think I was wrong and for me, music has to have a foundation. I need to know where musicians stand in order for it have meaning in my life. That's just the way it is. As for me, a former fan with genuine respect for this band, I felt completely betrayed again. Only this time, it was the Satanist's at the root of the betrayal and not the Christians. How very very strange. There was no way I could support this creative decision. I was viscerally disappointed and highly offended by the choice the band made to borrow from such a source when there are so many others to choose from, especially with the band's original premise in mind. Typically, this sort of thing would not get to me like it does in this case, but the reason I find it so disturbing is due to the fact that the band's initial success is based on derivative questions surrounding the problem of slavery, a topic that still has much left unsaid. How could Gagneux do such a thing? I do not understand it and I probably never will. 

As for the song? I am repulsed by the song and was from the get go, before I realized its origins, as well as most of the songs on the self titled album in which it appears. I don't like to be harsh, but that is the truth. It is absolute garbage, in my not-so-humble opinion and it represents a form of hypocrisy to me as well, but that is another story for another blog post. I do not know what would compel an artist to stoop so low, no matter how "good" the song is, it's still originates in a very bad place. I have so many many questions. 

As someone well-versed in tapping into the spiritual realm, I know what it is I am seeing here. It is a trick, a blatant trick of deception and it makes me really really angry. The damage that it could potentially incur is astronomical, in my view, if you consider the realms of sound and vibration and especially if you consider your everlasting soul. It's all about the inner vibrations which will contribute to the trajectory of your eternal destination, or so it seems to me. The stark contrasts of reactions I've experienced as a result of these last five years reaffirm these things to me, especially when I muster the confidence to believe in myself. Sadly, I hate to be the one to rain on your parade if you happen to like that song because, bravo to you, it means you have something in common with Hitler. What would Robert Smalls say, I wonder? And what about Billie Holiday?  

It was revealed to me throughout this experience that there is most certainly such things as good and evil, if you view these terms in the perspective of one leading to destruction and corruption (death) and the other, life. Good leads to life, bad leads to death. In view of current circumstances, where musicians such as Bruce Springsteen are being persecuted in a very public way by the Republican regime (no longer a political party, per se) I think it is becoming very clear who is on the side of good, versus who is on the side of evil, and all of a sudden, in my view, many of the heavy hitters who seem like they are on the opposite sides can actually be found on the same side, under extreme circumstances. With that in mind, in times like these, I don't think it is a question of good versus evil, nor Christian versus Satanic, I believe it is a question of humanity; you will either take the side of a Nazi totalitarian 

or 

you will not. 

Either you support the work derived from Adolph Hitler's favourite composer, or

you do not. 

As for me? I do not. 

Furthermore, I no longer trust Zeal and Ardor at all. They have made fools of us all by suggesting it's okay to view these things as entertainment. Much like the plantations in the United States are used for wedding venues, the insensitivity and blatant money-grab is shameful. History cannot be erased by dilution and fire still burns pretty damned hot, as we have seen lately when some of the most infamous plantations in the United States have been razed to the ground by fire, in fact. 

And speaking of being born in the USA, Springsteen made his choice known regarding his views on this current flirtations with totalitarianism by the current president and Springsteen and I share a very similar point of view. We are one the same team, clearly. It matters to know what side you're on and muddying the waters carelessly is the last thing this world needs right now.  

As for my message for Zeal and Ardor? It's quite simple. In essence, I was worried about Gagneux and his eternal soul, but perhaps I'm the only one. No one else seems to give a shit. Well, so be it. Let me make a fool of myself if it means I get his attention, one way or another. I have a few concerns and I guess if I could say anything directly to his face, it would be this: I think the Devil is playing you. 

And speaking of ships on fire...

"... Sail on, sail on

O mighty ship of state!

To the shores of need

Past the reefs of greed

Through the squalls of hate

Sail on, sail on, sail on...

It's coming to America first

The cradle of the best and of the worst

It's here they got the range

And the machinery for change

And it's here they got the spiritual thirst

It's here the family's broken

And it's here the lonely say

That the heart has got to open

In a fundamental way

Democracy is coming to the U.S.A

"It's coming from the women and the men

Oh baby, we'll be making love again

We'll be going down so deep

The river's going to weep

And the mountain's going to shout Amen!

It's coming like the tidal flood

Beneath the lunar sway

Imperial, mysterious

In amorous array

Democracy is coming to the U.S.A."

-Leonard Cohen (Jewish), Democracy