Anti-Climactic Denouement

Today, I very unceremoniously ended my marriage. It was done in a sparse, neon-lit room, with a lawyer who seemed at least twenty years older than me, who had red eyes and a very sharp looking shirt and tie. I love a man who knows how to dress for the occasion, but it was otherwise a very anti-climactic ending. I was a bit disappointed but lack of drama is probably a good sign. 

My lawyer brought a file into the room with him, filled with an enormous stack of papers, containing I do not know what. On the outside of the file, there was a sticker with my name and my ex-husband's name on it. I didn't like looking at it. I've become fiercely protective of my name, as a matter of fact, and I didn't like seeing it juxtaposed against the name of someone who has took it from me so casually. The combination of our names is already very foreign to me and that was certainly an odd feeling to see it written there in front of me. The entire experience has been an odd one, in fact. The last three years have felt a lot like a bad dream I could not wake up from. It's been hard to distinguish truth from lies, friend from foe, up from down, good from bad. I am glad the end of this journey is finally at hand and I get my life back. 

I am tempted to complain about all the different ways this bad marriage represented a parasitic force on my energy and sense of possibility but I cannot do that anymore. A clean slate is a clean slate and a fresh start is a fresh start. I can't have it both ways. I can't hang on to the past and expect my slate to be clean nor my start to be fresh. But I desire these things. So, it is now all up to me to start looking ahead. All things are possible now. I have laid the foundation for a brand new life and I worked damned hard to achieve this. I plan to enjoy it, let me tell you. 

I used to fear being alone so much but the experience of being alone for many weeks, months, and now years, has given me the gift of realizing it is okay to be alone. In fact, in contrast to being with someone who makes you unhappy, being alone is a great thing. I love my own company and that's the most important thing I have learned, it's right at the top of the list of the variety of things I have learned, I am happy so say. This list is long and varied and it is amusing to peruse. I have acquired new skills such as caring for rabbits (they have a will to be free!), I have learned to care for seniors (they have a will to be free as well!) and I have learned about camper maintenance (I bought one in 2022) and I have learned how to cook with propane (love it!), and so on. I have made dozens of paintings and songs (the creativity never ceases). I have made friends, I have revitalized my faith, I have learned how to drive in snowstorms, I have two very handsome black cats, and I have learned the fine art of standing up for myself. All good things. 

One thing I must be careful to do, moving forward, is to not allow bitterness to take hold of my heart. I feel it's sour grip sometimes and I am so tempted to indulge myself in it, I will admit. I whine to my mother a fair amount but she never lets me get too low before she changes the subject, thankfully. As a matter of fact, a couple weeks ago, I had a minor episode and she said it was the first time she had seen me really throw a genuine temper tantrum, if you can imagine. I've lost my temper plenty of times, yes, but this particular instance was a bit different. I didn't filter my words when I was going through the motions of this little fit. I unleashed a slew of complaints a mile long, sparing no unsavoury detail about how much I hated the entire world and everyone in it, I am ashamed to say, but I am only human, after all, and I have my limits. I won't go into details about what triggered the flare up, but I can say it culminated in an ever-pervasive sense of despair. Everywhere I looked, it seemed like the whole world was just chalk-full of people treating other people like garbage. I couldn't handle it anymore. I broke down. I freaked out. My mother, however, said nothing. She just let me vent. She seemed to understand the vitriol was a symptom of a deeper problem. She seemed to understand I was genuinely at my wits end and, furthermore, she seemed to see that it was justified, but the way I was expressing myself left much to be desired. I felt embarrassed by the time we got home (this outburst occurred in the car on our way back from town) but I didn't apologize and she didn't reprimand me. I finally felt understood because her silence told me something words could not convey. She knew my feelings were justified, every single one. That was a pivotal moment for me and things just started to get better after that. We all want to be understood and appreciated but when we get that from our very own mother (which has been a rare occurrance between the two of us), it generates personal growth almost instantly. It was like a right of passage had been achieved. She had enough respect for me to not put me down even though I had totally freaked out, and I appreciated her listening to me so much that I knew there was no need to get to such a fever pitch, emotionally speaking, anymore. She gets it. Nothing more needs to be said. This is an unexpected point of progress for me. My relationship with my mother is extremely important to me and, in and of itself, growth is occurring. That's a lot to be thankful for. 

I've had a lot of people say and believe some rather unkind things about me in the last three years, and very few have taken the time to hear my side of the story, unfortunately (big hugs to the ones who have), but as I write this, I wonder if any of my critics have experienced any personal growth, in comparison, to justify their perspectives. What yardstick are others using when they find me to fall short of their approval, anyway? I don't know and I no longer care. 

What I do know is stagnation and growth cannot occur at the same time and as I take stock of these last three years (my ex husband and I separated in 2020) I know for sure I have experienced personal growth. I can see it everywhere I look and those who love me see it too. So, I don't plan to waste an ounce of progress complaining about all that could have been. All that could have been is also all that never will be and that's a fact––I must let it go. 

I am a firm believer in assessing where you've been in order to know where you're going but I can also say I've assessed the past as much as is necessary and for the first time in a very long time I can now look ahead to a brighter future with the possibility of love, happiness, dreams coming true, and on and on. I do hope to remarry again, but the next time it will be different. It will be for all the right reasons, when the time is right. I was too immature to wait for the time to be right and for the most part, I know I can view the last twenty years as growing pains. I had a lot of growing up to do and part of growing up is coming to terms with your true value as a human being. When you know your value, you are much better positioned to reach your potential and that's the best part of all. I don't yet feel as though I have even scratched the surface of my true potential and that's what excites me the most. If I am blessed enough to continue this forward and upward momentum, it won't be long before the world opens up for me and I start to see it as full of possibilities where I once saw nothing but closed doors. The obstacles which held me back are removed. I am free to step forward to something better. 

I expected to be celebrating in style this evening, but when I got home I realized I was in shock, for lack of a better word. As I mentioned at the beginning of this post, it has all ended so unceremoniously, which is very sad. I remember how sincere and how excited and how nervous I was on my wedding day. I feel so bad for that girl, knowing her intentions were good, but it was just not a good match. So be it. It was up to me to rescue that girl and that's exactly what I have done. I rescued myself. 

So, as evening falls,  I don't feel like partying at all. I feel like I am at the end of a very long journey. I am ready to put this burden down, once and for all. Perhaps what I feel tonight is grief.

Instead of celebrating, I put on some warm pyjamas, made a cup of tea, filled the hot-water bottle and tucked it behind my back (I have menstrual cramps and a slight back ache) and sat down to write this blog post. I am not in the mood for fun. I just want to rest and think everything over. 

I ask myself if I still believe in marriage and love? The answer is a resounding yes. Yes, I do believe in these things, even more, to be honest. Why? Because I know what I want now, more than I ever used to. I have something to compare my wants and needs to by looking back at the past and seeing where my wants and needs went unmet, many times. That doesn't make me a bad person to admit that, it simply makes me an honest person. Being honest with yourself is key, that's what I know for sure and it's a mighty good lesson to learn. 

Falling in love is one of the greatest feelings in the whole world and that's what I have to look forward. That's the silver lining here and it shines rather brightly behind this dark cloud that has been looming over me, but as it starts to drift away, my world view is shifting; I am now living in the realms of possibility. That's a new development. I like that a lot. I am going to end this post here. I probably should get some rest. I have a feeling I'm going to need it.