D for Divorce (bring it on)

Divorce is such a dreadful word, but that's a word that encompasses the loss and gains, triumphs and failures of the last twenty years of my life. Foolishly, perhaps, I gave away two decades of my life for a relationship I knew was doomed to fail. I would be lying about if I didn't tell you that I knew this would be the end result of the decision I made to walk down the aisle at the Old County Court House in Woodstock, NB, on October 20th, 2001. The fact that an old boyfriend crashed that same wedding represents an omen as well. I should have called the whole thing off prior to adorning that stupid white dress, before putting on that saccharine-sweet smile of naïveté, and so on. You get the point. 

Despite my best intentions to abide in misery, I failed to make it work because, one fine day, I woke up to the fact that it was killing me–alarmingly effectively, I might add. I don't really know what I was thinking, but here we are in 2023, and in hindsight, all I can say for sure is that I stayed for the sake of the kids, but that was a mistake. Now mired in the complications of an absurdly clean break, I can't even claim I did what was best for my kids to have stayed for as long as I did. I waited until my kids met the legal definition of an adult before I made my big exit, but that only means they aren't forced to be in my life and they are therefore missing out on how normally happy mom actually is. They only know my miserable side and that is a very sad fact. If I had left my marriage before they were of legal age, the law would have forced them to be with me and upon consideration of the responsibility for their care, my soon-to-be-ex husband would have ensured they lived with me because he wouldn't have wanted the pressure of going it alone, he would have happily landed it all right in my lap, I am sure of that, and I guess that's why I stayed. I am strong but I am not necessarily strong enough to raise two kids alone. But, if I had been, they would have seen a side of their mom they, as yet, do not seem to know. Mom is serious, responsible, dedicated, and goal-oriented. Mom doesn't like to consume excessive amounts of alcohol. Mom likes to have savings in the bank and a good education. Mom likes things to be tidy and mom likes to snuggle with cats and drink tea. Mom is generally happy and compassionate, respected and capable. They do not know that about me. As it happened, my kids only ever saw me in a state of stress and worry. They only saw me constantly side-railed due to the effects of alcoholism and a so-called man-of-the-house who was always more concerned as coming across as that cool guy who used to give all the teenagers Mohawks right before he took them to the liquor store to buy their booze than he ever cared about coming across as a good husband and father. My soon-to-be ex-husband was nothing if not a champion of under-age drinking, by the way, and still is, as far as I know. So my kids saw me in a suppressed state of being, which often made me very unlikeable because, for the most part, I was always very unhappy. The day I really faced how unhappy I was, I started screaming uncontrollably. That was not much fun, let me tell you. 

But, progress has been made. I will be divorced soon. Within the last 24 hours, I would like to shout it from the rooftops when I say that I was promised by my lawyer that I could be divorced by the end of the year, in fact. I am three months away from the finish line of this whole vampiric charade. The life is no longer being sucked out of me. The end is nigh.

As for cycles, my soon-to-be ex-husband and I split up three years ago and that blessed cyclical number presented itself to me as of yesterday (October 3, 2023) as the day in which all this will soon be behind me. I'll be able to look at myself in the mirror and see a divorcé. How very modern of me. And yeah, I saw this coming a mile away and in fact, I heard a voice screaming at me as I made my way down the aisle on that fateful day, "please do not marry this man!" which I attribute to the ghost of my dead father, but I just didn't understand my gift of mediumship at the time. I understand it quite well, now. I should have listened to that voice, I told my mother today. She replied that if I had not been in this relationship, my kids would not exist and I replied to her that I am pretty sure they would still exist, they would have eventually made their way to this planet some other way. But, this conversation easily digresses into inquiries related to fate and predestination and this is not that kind of blog post. 

The point I am trying to make, however, is one where I admit I saw failure on the horizon from the get-go, but I gave it my all nonetheless. I gave it my all until I had nothing left to give and that was my greatest mistake of all. From the onset of this relationship, I settled for less than I actually wanted and ended up with a whole lot less than I actually needed. I wouldn't exactly say I let 20 years of my life go down the drain, but I will say during those 20 years I lived a half-life at best, and at worst, I didn't live my life at all. 

Even so, here I am. I made it to the divorce. It is imminent. In the morning I will head to town and deliver my marriage certificate to my lawyer and he advised me that this whole thing should be over by the end of 2023. Thank God. 

I am awake at 3:30 AM assessing my circumstances. I am currently living with my mom. I have no savings, I am in between jobs, and I have a skillset so long and so varied I don't know which way to turn. But instead of allowing despair to creep up on me, I am proactively offering myself some encouragement by way of this blog post. The woman writing these words can cook, clean, bake, organize, do laundry, write, draw, paint. I've been a waitress, a cashier, a customer service agent, a framer, an art teacher, an artist, a journalist, a photographer, a personal support worker, a landscaper, a caregiver, a floral designer, and on and on and on. Why do I have all these skills? Because I did whatever I could, whenever I could, to support my family. I am 15 credits shy of a degree. I have certifications in Landscaping and Art Instruction. I have so many interests and skills, I do not know where to start as I start my life over again. Regardless of the direction I take from today onward, however, I take it as a divorced woman. This is a whole new ballgame. The burden I've been carrying for these last 20 years I can now put down. It feels so strange. The weight of this bad marriage has clung to me like suit made of lead. It will take a while to adjust to this new sense of freedom. I feel like I have to learn how to walk all over again, in many ways, but as I put one foot in front of the other, I do so as a woman who has learned a few things and over the course of these last three years, I've been blessed with the opportunity to truly assess what love means to me and I've learned the vital importance of being extremely cautious about who I plan to give mine away to, moving forward. You see, in the past, I didn't hold my ability to love in very high regard. I now know my ability to love is a great gift, worthy of all patience and I am deserving of having all of my needs met by someone desiring my love. The next time around, I will demand a mutual exchange of equality that fosters happiness, trust, and respect. 

You know, I enjoy being right sometimes. At other times, it's not much fun. As I said at the beginning of this post, I knew in my heart this marriage was bound to fail. I was right and being right, in this circumstance, is quite painful. Oh well. I'll taste the pain and remember its flavour. It is bitter medicine, but I will gulp it down and be thankful. 

As my friend reminded me the other day, the best is yet to come. I heartily believe that. Bring it on.