Everything Comes Back Around
Twenty years ago today, I was recovering from the birth of my second child, via c-section. I remember the event very clearly and I can still remember the struggle to get back on my feet after the surgery. It took a long time to heal, it was painful, my body felt like it had been repeatedly slammed against a brick wall. Even so, I had the most beautiful baby in all the world and the joy outweighed the pain by far.
I believe in the circular motion of the world around us. Very few things in our world exist in a perfectly linear fashion, and if they do, to any great extent, they are usually man-made (telephone lines, roads, skyscrapers, for example). Otherwise, the world revolves (pardon the pun) around us in circles. In his novel I Know This Much is True, Wally Lamb illustrates this dynamic in a powerful way through the method of conveying the everyday lives as they play out, sometimes hour by hour, of two brothers (twins, if I can recall). Through the ebb and flow of circumstances, it becomes evident that one is the type to take charge and the other, largely due to the rigours of mental illness, is the one who needs someone to take charge. Their stories weave and meander through various ups and downs but the lessons always come back around and most things that are lost become found once more and if they aren't found, it becomes obvious as to why and an evolution of character ensues, but there is one constant truth that proves itself to be true: everything comes back around, eventually. In fact, the very last line of the novel reads "... God exists in the roundness of things. This much I have figured out. I know this much is true." I can attest to that fact as well. It is most certainly true.
With this understanding in mind, I love to acknowledge full-circle moments. The birth of my children (I have two) are certainly occasions to remember but these events combined occurred over twenty years ago. My baby is no longer a baby, they are an adult, and though we have drifted apart in the last few years due to circumstances that don't need to be mentioned here, let it be known, I am the type of mother who believes a child benefits from being made to leave the nest, if the nest is something they seem to take for granted. Therefore, I am not worried about our relationship. It will mend itself someday. I am not berating my kid at all when I say that, by the way. I simply mean that it's time to leave the nest if the nest becomes a source of friction. It is simply time to grow up, for us both.
Images of my children linger vividly in my imagination and the memories I have of their childhood are so bright for me, I can bring the sounds of their voices to mind, the smell of their hair, the wonderful feeling of their little hugs, and the contentedness I felt when I had them both fed, bathed, clothed, and tucked in to bed, safe and sound, at night. It was a feeling of accomplishment and genuine joy. I loved being their mother, even if I was less than perfect at the job, I know I did the best I could. Their childhood years occurred long ago, but they are as fresh in my mind as though it was just yesterday.
Ah, yesterday. That fleeting moment that comes and goes so fast.
Because I still see my kids as they were when they were children, I have accepted my decision to remain aloof and give them their space, even though we've never been apart for so long before. I haven't seen either of them in over a year, and though I miss them, I feel it is the right way to go. If I spent any amount of time with them at this current moment, I would attempt to baby them and hover over them and that's the last thing a kid who just turned 20 would want. I remember turning 20. I was quite sure I knew it all, back then, but of course, as I get older, I realize I knew nothing. That's just how it goes.
With the idea of the full-circle moment in mind, I find myself beginning a new journey, one I have been preparing for for a very long time. Obviously I love to write and am writing for this blog for the simple joy I glean from the written word. I have loved to write for as long as I can recall. My first genuine foyer into the endeavour began when I was just a little kid. My mom and my grandmother had gone away for the evening and while they were gone, I dug out my mother's electric type-writer (a massive beast of a machine that must have weighted at least twenty pounds). I plugged it in and it hummed loudly from the electricity coursing through the mechanics. It was extremely exciting to me. It represented a world of possibilities and I did not know a thing about typing. I pecked away and loved the sounds the keys made. I can't remember what I wrote about but I know it was humorous and when I gave my story to my grandmother (I very proudly presented it to her, actually) she read it with great amusement and laughed at just the right moments. It was the most joyful feeling I had ever known. That is, until I knew the joy of becoming a mother.
The thing that makes this a full-circle moment is that not only is it my baby's 20th birthday, it's also the day when I begin my new career as a freelance writer. I've got three assignments waiting in my queue as I write this, in fact, but I wanted to acknowledge the day first. I am very excited and it could not have come at a better time. It just seems to mean so much more when these kinds of events fall on important anniversaries and the birth of my children are the most important anniversaries in my life and always will be.
As for me, the individual, I am thrilled to begin my new freelancing job, which is extremely important to me because it represents a foot in the door towards a life brimming with possibility. I struggled with feeling like I lost that sense of possibility when I was a stay-at-home-mom. I often fell into deep despair about it, in fact, on many many occasions. At the time I was only in my early twenties, not much older than my baby is today. Therefore, I know what my kid might be feeling on a day like today––hopefully all good things, but I know enough to know it is not an easy transition to leave your teen years behind as you face the reality of adulthood.
As for me, here I sit, twenty years later, meditating on the premise of the full-circle moment. Today my life begins anew, as it does every single day, but it is veering off into a brand new direction. The baby years are behind me but they will always be a part of me. I can let go, but I will never remove myself too far from the recollection of being the mother to young children. They made me who I am, for the better, and it is because I love my children that I strive, daily, to improve my life and my circumstances and in so doing, I hope to encourage and inspire them, even from a far. Things between us will eventually get better. Growing pains come and go, and are particularly intense as transitions occur, I know that is inevitable, but I also know everything will come back around. We reap what we sew and I, for one, feel I am due to see an extremely bountiful harvest and I hope to bestow nothing but goodness on their lives, to the best of my ability, as time moves forward.
Happy Birthday to you, Squishy. I love you and am so very proud of you.
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