Admitting Failure on the Path to Success

I never thought things would happen this way, but my previous post was as hopeful as this post is centered on the admission of defeat. Since my last post, I have realized you can't outpace fate. I know I certainly gave it my best efforts (constantly on the run), but sometimes some things just aren't meant to be while other things very much are. Sometimes you have to stop running and just admit defeat, or prepare yourself for victory, whatever the case may be. 

The topic I discussed in my New Year's writings (here) focused on the burgeoning hope of a newly formed friendship, budding towards more than friendship. However, like most things that blossom, the conditions have to be just right in order for the whole thing to become more. Unfortunately, my new friendship seemed to erode very quickly and within the last month, I made the decision to move on. This guy I had met out of nowhere had become a good friend, someone I spoke to every day for hours, but as we got to know each other, the shine wore off, the glow faded, and then all I could see was a potentially enormous mistake. 

My divorce was finalized about a month ago. I was so numb throughout the entire process, I didn't know what to feel, let alone how to feel. But I did manage to hold on to a few different personal realizations over the last three years, from the day we separated until today. One of those truths is the fact that I am not willing to compromise myself or my life for a guy anymore. I used to do that. I used to lower my expectations because I was afraid to be alone. However, I am the kind of gal who likes to face her fears head-on so I purposely spent the last three years alone, to learn what it feels like, to learn how to do it. It turns out, I not only learned how to be alone, I would say I have thrived in my independence, in many ways (but not all, I will admit). So when I decided to try letting someone into my life, it turned out to be a guy from a completely different part of the world with an entirely different experience in the realms of this thing we call humanity. At first, our differences seemed so attractive to me. I thought I couldn't lose. But, I was wrong. I started to see where this friendship was starting to leech things away from me and that's when my guard started to go up, that's when I evaluated the whole thing, and found it came up very very short. 

It started with traveling outside of town to see this guy. The burden of the time and effort always tipped in my direction in a pattern that was strikingly familiar to the way the relationship between my ex-husband and I began. Then the criticisms. This was not good enough, that was not good enough. This guy had a few items of clothing, a rented room, and a few pairs of shoes to his name, yet every chance he got, he criticized the things in my life as though he could do much better. It was amusing, and not in a good way. My car wasn't good enough (he has no car), my living situation wasn't good enough (I paid less for a lot more) and so on. He was a student when we met, but he glossed over my education (one successful year of college and half a dozen successful years at university) as he was flunking out of his and so on and so on and so on. I tried to negotiate my standards, internally, when he came around. I weighed his critiques against my own. I wanted to keep an open mind because, after all, three years alone is probably plenty, but it just got worse and worse. He was experiencing hardships so I gave him a cellphone because his was a piece of junk and when we got in an argument during one of our last visits, he held the cellphone in his hands as he proceeded to tell me I've never done anything for him. This guy was turning out to be a huge disappointment even as a friend, let alone anything more. Ugh. Again, it was amusing, but I had enough. Gradually, over the course of the following week, I made the decision to walk away. We had gone as far as I was willing to go and this is the crux of the lesson I've learned when it comes to matters of the heart. I can't compromise anymore. I just can't. I also know I don't need to, especially towards someone who was taking more from me than he was giving back. I recognized the formula, I knew where it would eventually lead–back to the corner for me, trying hard not to exist so I don't upset a man. That's what I walked away from once before and I vowed to never do that to myself again. Being alone is better. 

More than that, however, I do know what I want when it comes to love. I know what it looks like and feels like and I know it is out there, but it requires a fair amount of trust to let it come. I believe the right things will come along when the time is right, by the Grace of God. I think the trick is to hold on very loosely to the things that flow into your life, turn them over and look at them from all sides and see what you've got before you claim it forevermore. My Knight in Shining Armour will just have to have what it takes to trust the process, I guess.

I've learned to not be hasty as I have worked through this phase of my life, where something has ended and something else is beginning. I've grieved, I've mourned, I've been angry, sad, confused, and hurt. But I've also found faith, healing, adventure, experience, and a whole lot of rest as well. I am ready for the next big thing to show up in my life, but I no longer feel like I have to strive, to chase it down, to kill it and bring it home. The right things, the things that are meant for me, will arrive in forms that affirm life, growth, potential, hope and above all, joy. At least that is my heart's desire. This newfound patience is something brand new to me, I can assure you. It is a very new development within my personal evolution and it makes me feel excited. I love to watch the mysteries of life unfold, and they always do if we unclench our fists, let the blood flow back into our knuckles, and stop fighting for it. God promises good things to those who love Him and I love Him very much, I am forever grateful for this life of mine, from everlasting to everlasting.