Artificial AI and My (Fake) Death

I recently faked my own death to get out of a toxic relationship. Haha. Not funny. Of course, I am blowing my own cover by writing this blog post, but I felt it necessary to express myself over the issue. I denounce all this talk of ultimate demise because I happen to be in on a little secret. I know the formula that makes us eternal. I am positive we will go one forever, hence the title of this blog. So it is this sense of eternalness I call upon now to dissect my own existence. Who am I and where am I? More importantly, what am I? 

My spirit exists in the non-physical, which is cool. But for now, in my human frame, I am comprised of blood and bones, organs, veins, arteries, nerve endings, and so on. All the fleshy matter that gives me the ability to sit at my table and write this also gives me all I need to navigate my daily life and if a few of my faculties are removed, I'll still get by. So, why did I fake my own death? It's to illustrate a point. These days, we rarely experience the physicality of our existence. The online world wants us to slowly, methodically, sift ourselves down to grains of sand that drift away on the winds of pixels on a screen. If all electricity in the world ceased to exist, our phones and computers would eventually die, as would our vehicles. It would be as eery as it was the day the moon eclipsed the sun, recently. Everything went so cold once that sunlight was hindered from reaching us. It was a pervasive coldness, inhumane and disturbing. It reminds me, as it should all of us, how much we rely on the sun to sustain us. It is vital to our survival here on Earth but no man on this planet could affect it in the same capacity that it effects us. It reminds me how wonderfully this whole universe is made. When I look at composite photos of galaxies, I see a smattering of glitter dust across the blackness of space. It is so beautiful, as is life here on this magical planet we call our home. Mother Earth beckons to us to see this beauty because it is there to be found, no matter how bleak how ugly, how disturbing things get, there's still beauty to be found here. Our planet was designed so that life might thrive, given the slightest opportunity. The daisies you see pushing up through cement illustrate my point perfectly. They are so alive! 

So when it comes to this issue of faking my own 'final exit' it is commentary on the sureness I feel when I step into my own eternalness. But why does my corporeal existence matter anymore? Why can't I just slip out of this realm and forget about it? With the advent of AI personalities on the rise, I am hearing about folks striking up relationships with these digital entities–in lieu of a real human-being to human-being relationships, but I tell you, the experts say the reason everyone is so riddled with stress and anxiety is because people are not having enough sex and that kinda makes sense and but also stresses me out, if the solution must be genuine intimacy. Isolation is a tricky thing and it can mess you up badly. I know this from living in the woods for ten years and breaking down our walls is not an easy thing to do once we've put them up. But we must break this cycle or else we are headed over a cliff. 

Everything is mired in isolation and toxicity, all in the name of "connectedness".  So I for one, protest. I don't want to be in an "online" relationship and yes, distance matters. Why does it matter? Well, I'll be the first to admit I am no expert when it comes to relationships, as a recent divorcee, but I can tell you the moment I realized I wouldn't mind committing myself to my husband so long ago was based on the way it felt to me when he put his arm around me. I still remember that deep sigh of just feeling the warmth of another person next to me, as notoriously weird as my ex-husband was known to be, I just wanted to feel like I belonged somewhere and that was enough to make me decide to give him twenty years of my life, which I did. In hindsight I realize a marriage requires a bit more substance than that, but what did I know at the time? Not much, I can promise you. I have spent my time deep in study since I said my vows, however, and all is not lost. Well, nothing but twenty years of my life and the marriage they encompassed. 

On the other side of those twenty years, I look back and I do not regret that I tried. I loved fiercely and faithfully. I loved with my body, my mind, my soul, my everything. I loved my husband to the best of my ability, but it wasn't enough. It was not enough in the end, to survive the magnetism of electronics (cellphones and video games) and a sleazy redhead (sad but true), but he's not the first and he won't be the last to fall for these sorts of temptations. So be it. I just want to get on with my life, but it feels like we are all mired in a great big mess and we have used our devices to hide behind everything about us that makes being a human fun. Do you realize that? When was the last time you really felt the cool breeze on your skin or looked up at the sky without your cellphone in your hand? Not that I am any beacon of exemplary behaviour. I've been in an online argument with two guys from Switzerland for about four years now though we have never met face-to-face and I have about 60,000 photos stored on my iCloud to prove my phone is always in my hand. But I want to do better. I want to enjoy the experience of sensing the world around me, anew. 

The older I get, the more bizarre the world seems to me, which is common. I think it is because, as we get older, we learn how to carve out space for ourselves in an environment, if not mindset, exactly how we want it to be and then, once that state is achieved (especially if you live alone, like I do) you don't want to compromise it too readily whereas the younger years usually don't foster such a sense of caution. Everyone's appearance seems to polished these days, too. Like everyone is morphing into robotic look-alikes. As for me? The gap in my teeth, my wild hair and the distaste I have for copious amounts of make-up make me feel like I am just losing my grip. I do not know how they do it, but I just can't seem to pull off that polished look. What is it all about, anyway? Women wear make-up and hair extensions so convincing they appear as flawless models even at the grocery store. Men diet and exercise their bodies to peak perfection. And everyone else who falls into the middle of those extremes just go off-the-charts-wild with their appearance but me? I'm still fighting with my hair to get it in a decent looking ponytail. How people become so put-together is a mystery to me. People get all dolled up in order to take pictures of themselves and post these pictures on social media. We call that living. Then people start chatting and sending pictures to each other. We call this intimacy. We send pixels on a screen that formulate letters, which formulate words. We call that love (and blogging). I remember a time when love meant something a little steamier than some nudes being shoved around everyone's DMs. Those were good times. 

The last time I really concerned myself with it, love went hand in hand with a kiss. A kiss went hand in hand with affection. Affection begat seeds of passion. Passion turned to love and from there, anything could happen, like a super nova or a hurricane! Suddenly, the world brims with possibility because you feel totally head-over-heels in love with someone. The chemistry is addictive, the rush is like a drug. Do you remember what it felt like to be in love like that? It's been a while but I remember. It's the same kind of excitement you feel on a warm summer's evening where lightning bugs fill the air as the sky darkens. It's just exciting because it's so full of mystery. We have forgotten about the mystery of each other and I believe, if I were God, I would be really disappointed about that. Mystery is a gift in life and the mystery of falling in love must, at some point, involve one's corporeal existence, which means there comes a point where you must put the electronics down. 

The volatile hormonal cocktail of passion brews long and hot in the human frame and that's what we need and that's what we want. As for me? I have focused my passions on my faith, my family, my creative life. I can't seem to find my way through the conundrum of my own isolation in order to fall in love again. I admit I am afraid of getting things all wrong again like so many other people who are locked in their own little worlds. There's no end in site for me but there have been a few people along the way who wanted my attention on that level, but I found myself unable to give it, in the end. I have my own walls to dismantle and I don't have the energy to do that kind of job for someone else anymore, I guess. I also have become viscously protective of myself, for good or bad. I can't seem to let my guard down. 

So for me? I guess I would rather shift the rules and fake my own demise so the part of me that used to exist online, this unhealthy status quo version of myself from the metaphorical dumpster fire that was my marriage, fades into non-existence. That version of me no longer exists, Thank God. May she Rest In Peace. 

I like the part of me that has been resurrected from that proverbial dumpiest fire quite a lot and I Thank God for every moment of my life, good or bad. My life is a gift and I am very fortunate to be able to find happiness on my own terms. More and more, I realize how much I prefer real life even if it means I am alone. I am tired of the third wheel that is otherwise known as a cellphone and all its accoutrements, and there are many accoutrements. We can call, text, snap phots, trade stalks, do some banking, listen to music, and write our grocery list, for starters, on this device that we keep next to us at all times. Ever wonder why you feel so anxious and distracted? And do you realize how easy it is for someone to tap into your cellphone? Someone could be listening to every move you make on it. I hate to alarm you, but it's true. Also, a few months ago I did a little test with a compass and my cellphone. The cellphone threw the compass needle all out of whack when it I put them close together and then the compass needle went back to normal when I pulled my cellphone back away from it. I don't know if people realize this, but if a cellphone messes up your internal compass, what do you suppose that might do to your emotions, senses, and health? I don't know but the answer can't be nothing. 

It just so happens that, since my marriage ended, I've learned to become totally enraptured with my own company and I don't believe that is a bad thing, though it may be an unexpected by-product of spending too much time online, trying to feed my soul with things that have no real substance, at the end of the day. I feel somewhat sorry for us all, in that way. We are all so hungry for something more, but we are looking in all the wrong places. Isn't that where they want us though? Starving for affection and hooked up to the IV of social media? Yeah, but social media is not a type of sugar water, it's more like dye and chemicals, at times. The nutritional value is questionable, not to mention the quantity of intake.They want us hooked in order to churn some serious cash, no doubt about it, but I don't want to give everything I am away to algorithms. I rather enjoy baffling expectations and I enjoy messing with algorithms, but I don't want to become so well-known as an online persona that people forget I am a real human being. 

I would rather walk down a lonely country road by myself, taking in the world around me, as opposed to being in the grip of the digital world for one more minute (after I am finished writing this, of course). We are in the era of a Matrix-like world, but the real world is still at our fingertips as well. Shouldn't we take time to remind ourselves of that? Our connection to one world will rely on our disconnection from the other. What world do you want to live in? I know my choice. I want real life, as much as I can get it. I want experiences, not texts and photos. So I have decided there is only one way forward. I would like to give over to an AI version of myself, assigning her the task of keeping up with anyone and anything which expects me to dismiss the vitality of my flesh and blood existence and if that is not adequate,  I want the people who want me to sustain online relationships to shift their perspective a bit and just consider me to have "passed on". It seems to make perfect sense to me, since no one appears to care about the confines of reality anymore, nor the benefits of it. I guess I am saying, for all rights and purposes, I identify as a corpse. Please treat me as such, unless you plan to show up in my life and see that I am very much alive. Does that sound fair? Or does it sound like a break-up song?