I Get Lonely, but I Ain't That Lonely Yet

Hello, dear reader. It's been a hot minute since I posted on this blog, mainly because I had forgotten about this blog. Forgetting you have a blog is probably a signifier of a larger problem, one which I have identified recently. The problem is I have a few too many creative projects on the go. In the last few months, I've done a lot of soul searching to figure out exactly what direction I want to go in in life and I have concluded it would be in my best interest to fine-tune my focus and start choosing what really matters. 

So, what really matters? Great question. Connection is what I desire most, lately. This is a new development because after I separated from my husband of 20 years, I was so f___ing angry I didn't want to be around anyone at all. I isolated myself for over a year and the only people I spoke to where my friends from Switzerland (long story) but even those connections levelled lower and lower into vitriolic nonsense largely due to the so-called healing journey I've been on where I just needed the proverbial skin that was peeled off my proverbial bones to regenerate so I didn't hurt so damned much all the damned time. Well, things are as good as they're likely going to get when it comes to healing. I feel strong again. I feel fortified. I feel ready to get back into the game of life. The sad thing is, I don't really know how to get back into the game of life because I've never really even been in the game of life. I look back over the 47 years of my life and I see a startling pattern. I have spent years and years of my life in a state of solitude. 

I've made up my mind to not bring this particular aspect of my personality up unless absolutely necessary but over the years I knew there was something different about me. Thanks to a little help from an old friend, I realized I have a neurodivergent thing going on, which likely explains why I struggle so much when I try to connect with people, especially people my own age. I just can't seem to make lasting connections, it seems. However, the other problem could be that I've been mean, volatile, confrontational, and so on, since my family fell apart. My family was my world. My world crumbled. Five years ago, I believed I was on a trajectory that would lead me into a comfortable and predictable middle-age kind of thing, but boys oh boys, that definitely did not happen. My life completely imploded and its a good thing it did, in many ways, because I was very unhappy back then. And it turns out, men still find me attractive. Who knew? 

After taking measured steps at getting my life under control and learning the fine art of self-care at the behest of my Divorce Therapist, I have ended up in a sweet little place where I know a few of my neighbours, I feel comfortable and safe, and I am starting to feel an inkling of desire to have some fun. This is after living with my parents for a couple years and trying to make home out of a very small camper I parked in their yard. I also wrote a book called An Artist's Journey Through Cesarean Birth in that interim, which turned out to be a complete failure because the people I wrote it in honour of (my kids and ex-husband) still won't speak to me and if I let that bother me, I would probably not be able to fight the feelings of rejection that I know I am dealing with, but am trying to not give voice to because I feel totally rejected on all levels, all the time. I am, was, and seemed to be destined to always be the weird girl. The one no one seems to want around. Is this true? Or have I just not found my "tribe"yet? I don't know, but writing this all down and sharing it in a public forum is the only way I know to take the pressure off. I can't just call up one of my friends and say I am lonely. I don't know why, but I am embarrassed to do that. I embarrass very easily. 

When I first moved back home, there was a woman around my age living on the same road and she committed suicide. A couple women who are friends with my mother thought it was me, when they heard the news. It was then that I realized people probably pity me and my failed life. When I saw a woman at the grocery store last week whom I've known most of my life avert her eyes when she saw me instead of just saying hello, I realized I am probably the talk of the town. The fastest way to know people are talking about you behind your back, by the way, is how quickly they look at the floor when they see you at the grocery store. Fact. 

But do I need pity? I don't think so. Why? Because I am making the choice to live this lonely life in a lonely way. I've done a little dating here and there, but mostly, I've chosen to put all my efforts into connecting with my friends from Switzerland, who have tried harder to get to know me than anyone ever has, even though the walls I have built around myself are thick and well nigh unto totally impenetrable since I got divorced. I have not spoken to my ex-husband in literally years. Not that I haven't tried to reach out, but that guy is someone who refuses to deal with messy emotions and messy relationships, and what am I if not "messy"? Abandonment is something I've come to know very well. But, while the whole world may choose to abandon me, I choose to never abandon myself. 

I woke up at 5 AM, feeling the loneliness I struggle with closing in on me like a sheet of doubt, settling in all around me. I go to social media to see if there is any possible hope to connect with someone there. There is nobody online that I know well enough to text. And I have to be careful about who I text. I don't want to start something I can't finish. By that I mean I don't want anyone or anything disrupting my little bubble I've created for myself here. I work, I sleep, I paint, and I write. The only thing in my life that dictates any structure at all is my job. Otherwise, I am free as a bird and I like it that way. There are some birds who exist in flocks, there are others who spend a lot of time alone. I am one of those types of birds who spends a lot of time alone. And now and then, I even get a bit lonely. 

Still, I crave to find my place in the world again. It used to hinge on my relationship with my eldest sister, my window to the world. My dependency on her was profound, but it won't help me now. She has been gone for ten years, but it is her sense of adventure that I think about at times like these. What would she do? Where would she go? 

I do not know exactly how to connect to the world around me nor do I know how to connect with other people very well. I know that. However, it is merely a skillset I have yet to acquire, in many ways. My bright smile and endless curiosity about the world around me is surely all I really need to get going, right? I believe so. 

And that's what my latest blog post is all about. It is about admitting I get lonely sometimes, but I confront it head on as best as I can. This post is represents a form of personal accountability. Writing has always been one of the main ways in which I've connected to the world and it is one of the greatest pleasures I know of. And speaking of pleasure? I've made it my personal mandate to seek pleasure above all things. I find pleasure in many things and I indulge in them all as often as I can. I've had so many meals in my new apartment that were the best meals I've ever had in my entire life, lately. This is the outcome of consciously seeking that which feels good. I am sitting in my apartment now, in fact. It is nearly silent except for the birdsong just outside my door. I revel in this sensation of the day waking up, but the room itself is silent except for the clacking of the keys on the keyboard. This sound has staved on the loneliness that was haunting me, the doubts that creep up on me, and so on. When I say I face it head-on, this is what I mean. I admit I am feeling these things. I write it down and then I will post it on my social media, and hope that someone, somewhere reads this and knows what I am going through. Shout-out to my friend from Switzerland, who knows precisely what I am going through, by the way (hugs and kisses, dear). 

I feel like I need to apologize for being the weird girl (woman) to everyone around me. I know I don't measure up to expectations, but you don't know me well enough to know what expectations I should adhere to and the reason I know you don't know me very well is because NOBODY knows me very well because I have never been able to connect with the world around me very well. as I said. I did, however, have a mentor whom I loved deeply and our brief time together provided insights that are proving to be priceless. I do not know exactly what kind of person I am, compared to others, but he showed me that my mind and abilities are outside the realms of average and "normal" and I think about him at times like these. I wanted to soak up every minute we had together, but I knew it was an ephemeral connection at best. He passed away a couple years ago as well. Most of the people I have had the ability to connect with have had to leave my life one way or another. I do not despair. I know something good will happen when I am ready. In the meantime, I am going to consciously make the effort to figure out how to make better and lasting connections. I did not commit suicide, as my mother's friends feared. Their pity stung a little bit when I heard they thought it was me, but it just goes to prove the point; they don't know me very well. I am not the type to do something like that, no matter how lonely I feel. I still have my own company and I enjoy that more than you might think. I am just here to say I am alive, I miss my loved ones, I am grateful for the tenacity of  Swiss rockstars, and I think I will choose to look to the future with optimism because I really do believe I have a lot to offer the world and I know for sure the world has a lot to offer me. 

Thank-you, dear reader, for sticking with me to the end of this post. I just had to write it all out, to get it off my chest, so I can go back to sleep for a while. My day job, incidentally, puts me in touch with some of the most vulnerable people in our society and therefore, it gives me a sense of purpose and a measuring stick by which to gauge my own circumstances. I have MUCH to be thankful for, there is a lot of suffering in this world, and the world is absolutely full to the brim with people who are lonely too. I take great comfort in knowing I help to mitigate their loneliness. 

I have often thought of begging my ex-husband to take me back. The status quo beckons me to settle back into the easy choices. Sure, I was miserably lonely while I was married, but at least there was someone else in the room from time to time. I thought about it, but to quote the ever-inspiriting Jack White; I get lonely, but I ain't that lonely yet.