Dandelions

The strangest thing has occurred to me in recent weeks. I finally got my own apartment again after a couple of years oscillating between living in a camper and living with my mother and stepfather and it has been an uphill climb almost all the way. Oddly enough, I am looking behind me and recall the warmer months as I spent them in my camper and I enjoy the thought. If I blocked out the house to the adjacent left of my camper, I could almost convince myself I was alone in a meadow somewhere. As typically unacceptable as it is, my mother's yard went completely unmowed for the third or fourth year in a row and though I am sure the rumours that fly suggest it's my fault the yard is all wild, it is not. It's just that their lawnmower broke down and then it was sold off for parts. It has yet to be replaced and it's a matter that's been up for serious discussion numerous times but no agreed plan of action was ever put in place. As a result, there was wildflowers galore to enjoy.

While I stayed in my camper, the side of the yard I resided on started to adopt a very magical, meadow-esque kind of vibe and it was incredibly pleasant and peaceful and calm. It was easy to drift away into solitude of candlelit evenings with the sound of crickets chirping all around me at night and birdsong to greet me in the morning. The surrounding cedar hedge made it seem like a private oasis and I enjoyed it to the fullest, that is for sure. It took me away to simpler times more often than not. To this moment, I can't decide if it is a really spectacular spot, or perhaps it's just me. Maybe I bring that kind of vibe with me wherever I go because I seem to find everywhere I go to be particularly beautiful. I will have to think about that for a while and let you know what I have concluded at some future date.

I have also been thinking a lot about everyday values lately. Simpler times made it easy to know one's values and adhere to them faithfully, for good or bad. But back in those simpler times, it was also easy to become complacent through lack of choice. If there's one thing that abounds within our lives these days, it is choice. The choices we are able to enjoy in abundance come in the form of the internet and cellphones, primarily. We can choose to focus on any number of subjects and thereby convince our brain that we are actually engaging in said interest simply by watching a video of it. In this way, choices flood our lives. Choose something to watch on your cellphone and you can dial up anything your mind can dream of. This is kind of cool at first, but generates and obvious cesspool of problems as well in the same way fast food has done for our collective wellbeing. Instead of the convenience being a thing that enhances our society, it actually creates more harm than good and we all find ourselves to be bloated in some way or another. Physically, mentally, or emotionally, we are all over-full. I notice this on a day to day basis and do my best to resist, but I am only human and cannot resist forever. I watch knitting videos to calm my nerves. I watch dog videos to make me laugh. I watch this, I watch that. You get the idea. 

I get sucked in to the digital world but I also take the time to remove the distractions and get back to the basics, which is why living in a camper for an extended period of time can be quite luxurious. You are forced to pair back to the basics through want of space and resources, for example. As for me, I enjoy clean surfaces so I always have a space open for me to sit down at with a pen and paper, or a candle, or I leave it bare to calm my mind. One or twice a week I would turn off all the electric lights and go by candlelight. It was beautiful and calming and peaceful. I guess you could say I would intentionally go technology free, or something like that. What I noticed is how the underlying current of my subconscious rose up within me when I did partake of the peace and quiet and I could not only hear myself think, I could just simply hear myself. 

This minimalist approach to consumption helps me to mold and shape my personal values in this new life of mine and when it comes to matters of the heart, through the process of elimination, I've been able to take hold of tangible wants and needs which form the building blocks of what I am looking for, moving forward, and I have come to feel somewhat sorry for the opposite sex in the process, believe it or not. I hope this doesn't come across as a dating advice column but one thing I've noticed is that it's no longer women who don't know what they want. It's now men who are swimming in an overly bloated sea of choice, therefore a sea of uncertainty because they don't have a clue exactly what to reach for these days, based on my personal experience. 

The internet has provided every single sexual fantasy known to human kind and dating apps make it easy to "hook-up" (which means engage in a meaningless one-night-stand kind of sex for the older crowd who might be reading this) and every popular woman on social media is probably wearing false eyelashes, a wig or hair extensions, implants of various kinds, acrylic nails, heels to disguise their height, and a whole lot of makeup to completely alter their complexion and appearance. As for me, I say all the power to any individual who wants to change up their look. It's fun. It's rewarding. But its also lacking in metaphorical nutrition that a person needs by way of a genuine connection on a romantic level, or so it seems. It just seems like women are basking in an ocean of various filters and therefore, men don't seem to know which version of their reality to subscribe to (this discussion applicable to typical binaries, as I personally identify as a heterosexual white female). It seems to me, most men keep one foot just outside the door so they can bolt at the slightest provocations and they do so for their own self-preservation. I've seen men behave overly suspiciously towards me, for example, blowing a gasket if they see me online in the small hours of the morning, or if they become aware of the fact that they are not the only male I am interacting with on some level. It's not even jealousy or possessiveness per se, it's more like they just can't seem to figure out where the borders are to keep their connection to me in check, so they freak way f--- out and run away. I can't help to be amused by this because I see they are not running from me, necessarily, but themselves. They are running around in circles, more or less, trying to figure out what aspect of their wants and needs are going unmet and what aspect of these modern scenarios are cause for alarm. Their conclusions are inherently flawed at best and therefore, they throw their hands in the air and abandon the relationship before it has a chance to take hold. 

I see this as a desire for consistency in a world that is anything but and everyone is just afraid to get hurt. I am not exempt from that fear but I have watched in amusement as they guys who have crossed my path turn themselves inside out over me and when I don't give in to whatever expectations they are placing on me, they are gone in a flash. I just giggle and shake my head and continue on doing exactly the same things I do everyday. I work, sleep, paint, draw, knit, listen to music, cook food and repeat. I feel I am rather consistent but where all this effects me is in the sense of overly polluted expectations. When is the appropriate time to send a text? How much should I say? How much should I not say? Should I send more pictures, less pictures, no pictures at all? Should I go to their place or invite them to my place or just forget the whole damned thing and go to bed? Cellphones make the whole thing so complicated. I miss the days when a guy would show up in my driveway with a motorbike or something like that, and take me away for a while. That never happens anymore because men don't do that sort of thing anymore even though they all have vehicles. I think they feel something like that is just too simple for the modern woman, but it's not, not for me. Simple is what I like. Simple is great. 

My heart was still hurting badly last Thursday after the events of the previous blog post unfurled its grip on my emotions and I was just feeling so low and so depressed, which is not normal for me at all. I could not seem to pick myself up no matter how I looked at it. I was just in a lot of pain, emotionally. There was nothing going on that could be solved through modern technology. I had to face this pain head on, and deal with the reality of it, forgoing the desire to numb myself out with videos. It was one of those days when I decided I would face it and let every ounce of feeling wash over me. It was the same kind of philosophy I applied to my evenings when I sit in candlelight and let the dark wash over me. I let my sorrow wash over me and did not try to lessen it or hide from it. I just faced it and carried on with my day. 

As fate would have it, due to the line of work I am in, I ended up being a caretaker to a man in his mid eighties, known to be quite a wild child back in the day and though his spirit is as youthful as it probably always was, his physical frame is borderline feeble and his faculties aren't all totally up to snuff, but he does pretty good, all things considered. Being a bit of a trouble maker in his day, he's still got a sparkle in the eye and a liveliness I did not expect until we had a few run-ins on that particular day. We went out for a coffee and chatted and enjoyed that little outing for a while, then we returned back to his home and he stepped outside to have a cigarette and I waited at the kitchen table for him to come back inside. When he returned, he showed me that the cat had scratched him and the wound was bleeding quite a bit. I tried to take a closer look but he wouldn't let me. He ran away back outside and as the door was closing I scolded him gently and said "I am here to take care of you, you know. It's my job!" He paused and snapped back at me "well," he said "I should be the one taking care of YOU!" and he turned and went back outside, apparently to cool his temper. I realized I struck a nerve. I wasn't used to a man being so sensitive like this. It seemed he was obviously upset with himself that he could not perform some preconceived act of chivalrousness towards me and it all came out in the burst of anger, mildly, but tangible nonetheless. I was taken aback and immediately flattered. How endearing. How old-fashioned. How wonderful! I realized in that moment that this eighty-something year old man still held to ideals that were as old as he is now. Ideas that are way better than any modern ones, in my opinion, where men see women as the object of their desire to care for and protect. Maybe this all sounds a bit silly compared to the ideals shared by the younger generation, for example, but for me? It hit so very differently than any exchange I've had with a man in the last several years. He was impassioned by his frustration that he could not protect me due to his physical condition, but that didn't mean he didn't want to. I don't know what he wanted to protect me from, but he seemed to know I was in distress on some level. It was just pure chemical reactions between us and it generated an instant bond. I was so flattered he had said that to me, I couldn't help but smile and he even took it a step further and apologized for "being kind of an asshole," when he came back inside the second time. Best of all, he didn't return empty handed. He came back with a bouquet of freshly picked dandelions and handed them to me in contrition as he said "these are for you." I smiled as I took them from him and it hit that sore spot that had been hurting within my heart and eased the pain somewhat. I basked in the moment, fleeting as it was, feeling like I had made the most genuine connection with a human being possible, under the most basic premise available. This man was acting just like a man should. It was a rare event in my life and one that was not lost on me whatsoever. I thanked him profusely for the flowers and smiled a little bit more for the rest of the day. Most likely I won't see him again or if I do, it will be only occasionally as I was merely filling in the shift for his regular caregiver but it provided the balm my heart and maybe even my soul needed to get over the hurdle of depression I was feeling. It gave me a little hope that there is still sanity to be had in this world of falsity. In this world of confusion where, in my opinion, most men don't have a clue what they really want nor how to go about getting it, when it comes to a genuine love connection. I sort of get the impression we are all like a bunch of goldfish trapped in our goldfish bowls, bumping up against glass walls when we move forward in any one direction towards the objects of our desire when it comes to human-to-human connection. 

As for me, I cherish the simplicity of life more and more each day and I seek to keep myself tethered to the moorings of the simple ways we express love and affection for each other. It's what I want. I want passion, I want heat, I want trust, I want it all, but all of that can be achieved by subscribing to simplicity. Simply give the girl flowers, simply take her on a bumble, give her a hug, express how you feel. The reason this exchange was so different from all the others I have had since I became a single woman again is due to the unpolluted mentality of the man himself. He's not all caught up in the realms of the digital world and is not consuming a daily diet of half-naked, or fully naked, gals on Instagram, he's not delving into free porn, he's not chatting with a dozen different women. The only object of his focus that day was me. Me and only me. Me when I was making him happy, me when I was making him angry (albeit mistakenly) and me when he had feelings of affection and an apology he wanted to express. He didn't have anywhere else to hide in the dynamics between us so he faced himself head-on and then he faced me head-on and we had a genuine exchange that resulted in a mutual respect and affection because we interacted like human beings. 

I realized all I want in this world it to experience my humanity, that's it. I want this God-given life-force that was bestowed upon me at birth to actually mean something, no distractions. I am a human being and the current systems in place work hard to try to get me, and all of us, to forget that fact. In case you didn't notice, for example, social media represents an ideal that suggests we are all connected, but statistics show that we are all actually more isolated than ever. Facebook is a prime example of that fact. You may have noticed every time you log on to Facebook these days, for example, the only thing you see is ads and reels from perfect strangers. It separates us from the original intention of the platform, which was to connect us to people in our local region, and beyond, in a personal way. It not longer serves that purpose  but has morphed in such a subversive way, it only gives the illusion of connectivity while doing its level best to isolate us. It's evil to its core and we would do well to wake up and start reaching out to each other through old-fashioned means like the one my friend did to me; hand someone a bouquet of dandelions and I guarantee it will end up being the most meaningful exchange you've had all year. 

We all need to come up for air. That is a fact. Older ideals weren't all bad.