Toxicity and a Writer's Character Assessment (Or lack thereof) Of a Swiss Guitar Player: The Show Must Go On
I was newly reminded of the parameters a woman must adhere to in order to stave off any sort of target from men, especially in the entertainment world, which I never thought I would be a part of, no matter how small the part. I think I have said this somewhere before, but I will say it again now. I am the type of woman who prefers to stay on the fringe, out of the limelight. I don't enjoy too much attention and I never have. Probably this stems from deep childhood traumas or something like that. Whatever the reason, I don't enjoy scrutiny and I never will, but who does?
If you've been paying attention to my blog recently, you may know all about the personal crisis I found myself in these last serval years, which began innocently enough, at least on my part. To put it in a concise form, let's just say my privacy was compromised and suddenly, I found myself being scrutinized by a couple of the members of a certain band from Switzerland. You can read more about that HERE, HERE and HERE, if you like. I still find myself wondering if I have strayed too far inside my imagination for any of this to be real, but I just spent a good portion of my day off arguing via the chat function on WhatsApp, so I am reminded that this is real life and I am wrapped up in a scenario that is so bizarre I have a hard time putting it into words. But one thing it has taught me is this; being a woman means men will put expectations on you and interpret your intentions in ways that will leave you feeling like you're a worthless piece of garbage, owing to the fact that you are female, if nothing else. If you step out of the line of expectations? I have discovered that men from Switzerland, in particular, seem to have very strong opinions about that and will stop at nothing to be sure to let you know your place in this world. I've never known my place, and therein lies the problem.
When I first started receiving attention from the folks in Switzerland, I was experiencing a crisis in my personal life, as I mentioned. It was multifaceted and painful and I was also dealing with a mental burnout which left my brain feeling like it was going to stall out completely on me at any moment. My energies were totally depleted, I could hardly get across the floor, but was too sick to do anything about it but wait it out. In that timeframe, I seemed to be expected to communicate what I was experiencing to the folks from Switzerland, but I was in no shape to be doing anything but resting and recovering. Neither of those things were an acceptable option, however, and one man in particular grew to be the bane of my existence in the interim and his name is Tiziano Volante, as previously mentioned in former blog posts. It is well known that Volante and I have not gotten along very well by all involved and it was just yesterday, in fact, that Volante told me he has "boundaries" and is not speaking to his bandmate due to said "boundaries". Well, it's Volante's lack of boundaries which leads me to tell this next part of the story as in involves a level of harassment that is truly deserving of an award of some kind (perhaps the Swiss Music Award for the biggest .... ummm... never mind). These guys are revered in Switzerland for obvious reasons, but that says a lot about the overall state of affairs in the land of chalets, chocolate and cheese, in my opinion, than I care to address at this time. Let's just say they do things a lot differently over there than we do them here in Canada.
As for life here in Canada? I grew up in a Christian family and though I don't think many of us ended up with a very positive impression of the church world over the years, my Grandmother nevertheless instilled in me a certain kind of reverence for her faith as I saw it carry her through very difficult times. I loved my Grandmother very much. She passed away in 2018. I have told this to many people, many times, but the reason I initially had an issue with the music of the Swiss band Zeal and Ardor was due in part to the fact that I knew my Grandmother would be highly offended by its premise and because I knew I could see parallels within the band's themes, I knew I could offer some sort of analysis to show the band's creator, Manuel Gagneux, where he was making some serious waves in the spirit realm (in order for any of this to be plausible, you must first believe in such a thing as the spirit realm, which I heartily DO). So I already mapped out all the ways in which that worked itself out in my previous posts. But the other side of this, the more hurtful and frustrating side of it, in fact, is the experience I have had with Volante. Volante has behaved as one of the most heartless and disturbingly mean gatekeepers I have ever encountered and I assume he's keeping the gate between me, his band, and Gagneux, due to a sense of responsibility, but he's been playing the role as some sort of overseer throughout most of this exchange in a way that has done much more harm than good. I also assume his motivations are benevolent, but for whatever reasons, he has become the self-appointed nay sayer in all the things I've tried to say and do these last several years, interpreting everything I've done as a contributor to the social media landscape as some sort of nefarious attempts to sway Gagneux with my evil femininity, my lust for money, my longing to be the centre of attention. What is dismaying about these assumptions is that they are false, for starters, and secondly, they have nothing to do with the real me as an individual, let alone a woman, mother, wife, friend or artist. But I have had to carry the weight of his judgements through some of the most difficult days I have ever experienced. Through the shock of knowing Gagneux has compromised my privacy, to dealing with the effects of the pandemic, a divorce, a loss of a robust studio practice once so on, I have had to carry the weight of a middle aged man from Switzerland who makes a living dancing around on stage, playing the guitar, steeped in brutal male aggression while lapping up the applause from the audience at the end of the show (and Zeal and Ardor tour a lot). It is a situation that is so strange I have to really stop and think how I got here, but here I am.
I was very vocal about being uncomfortable with the attention I was receiving from Gagneux for a variety of reasons. The part of this that I miscalculated was the fact that my social media would become a topic of severe scrutiny by Volante as well as others. I never used social media for the same reasons others did. I knew very little about it, in fact, and made posts prior to these events under the premise of sincerity, transparency, and personal accountability. Originally, I jumped into the waters of Instagram as a way to keep myself above the proverbial waters I was sinking in, otherwise. I had been the target of a stalker for many years and this woman proved to have enough power within her social media realm of clout to completely crash my online art business, which was centred on the theme of motherhood. At times, I would divulge a little too much truth-talking on my social media in regards to a very unfortunate circumstance between her husband and myself from a long time ago, which caused me to experience severe post-traumatic-stress-disorder and the pain it caused me was only mitigated when I told my truth as I felt it existed. This was at the height of the Me Too movement as well. It's what a lot of women did. I used to firmly believe we had the right to tell our personal truths at all times and that would keep a person on the right path in the overall scheme of their lives, but these days, I have learned it may not be the best approach to a personal problem, I am not sure. Either way, I still believe we all have the right to tell our story and though I am no angel, and I am not entirely without blame in any circumstance I have effected, when it comes to said stalker, half the reason I fell into a state of panic regarding Gagneux and myself was due largely in part of the fact that I knew if my stalker got wind of his attention towards me, she would find a way to exploit it for her own gain, which she did do, in the end. I never wanted Gagneux to become her target, having much respect for his music and the premise of Zeal and Ardor, originally. I couldn't stand to have her eyes on me, especially after she was responsible for damaging my reputation by denouncing the artwork I made about motherhood, birth, and babies on her social media (she has thousands upon thousands of followers and at the time, I had less than 400). She effected my ability to make it as an artist, which in turn caused harm to me and my family. I don't think I need to explain how that felt, but suffice it to say, it was devastating. After that happened, I regressed inside myself and my heart was so raw and I was so discouraged, I think it may be the root cause for the subsequent mental breakdown I experienced as I knew she came from a family of affluence and anything I ever had, I had to work for. It came so easily to her, money was never her problem and she never had to work hard in the same way I have had to, ever. I felt like the world was a very unjust place, more so every passing day and all of this had a major effect on my ex-husband and my kids as well, which is heartbreaking to say the least.
So I didn't want anyone to know about Gagneux and I and I felt nothing but sheer panic about it. I knew this woman would find a way to make herself a part of our story if she was aware of our connection and from what I understand, Gagneux translated my misgivings to mean a lack of interest or a sense of embarrassment to be connected with him. It is because of this misunderstanding, in fact, that I wrote the over-the-top Facebook post about how we would be getting married, bells would ring–yada yada yada. As things progressed, I became more and more caustic towards Gagneux because of this stalker situation, not wanting to have to explain via a Zoom call to a bunch of people I don't really know that the reason I was not comfortable with being pulled out of the fringe I mentioned earlier was because I didn't want the eyes of the wife of the guy who sexually assaulted me when I was 18 years old to be all over me and therefore him, and I knew they would be. And I was right. I could map out all the ways she has tried to use this dynamic to flesh out aspects of her own life and her own story, but I don't want to waste my time. You can either trust me on that or not, I am not going to waste my energy explaining the things I know. As it stands now, I am putting a target on my back once more by mentioning it at all.
It's this whole 'target on my back' thing I've been trying to avoid. So, naively on my part, I now realize, all I wanted was to meet Gagneux face to face, over a beer in a quiet bar somewhere, for the safety of us both. Under those conditions, I would have felt safe and I would have only needed a few moments of his time to show him the things I have come to understand when it comes to music. However, as it stands, Gagneux and I have yet to meet and the forms of communications we have utilized to make sense of the very intense connection we have experienced has come in the form of very public social media posts, YouTube videos, music videos, songs, and reams and reams and reams of chats under a variety of applications, accounts, and so on, It has been an enormous undertaking for us both. Something very profound happened between us, which Gagneux attempted to convey in his Dancing Numb YouTube performance (which I sincerely appreciated) and as far as I am concerned, we were both tasked with a mighty responsibility to keep the connection alive and active, come what may. It has been extremely challenging for the both of us, that much I can say, but what made this whole thing a lot more challenging is the ways in which Volante seemed to feel I needed to diminish myself in order to align with his expectations of me. He never had any right to put any expectations on me, but for some reason, he did, right from the start.
Trouble came when these guys started to assume that I had other people working with me (for lack of a better term) when it came to my communications. One of the first times we spoke on the phone, I answered in the call in French, for example. This seemed to throw these guys into a panic because they couldn't figure out who I was (or was not) (by these guys I mean Gagneux and Volante) and from there, things devolved little by little until it became this festering pile of dung that our "relationship" (or lack thereof) has turned into. Answering the phone in French was only one of the many many ways in which I tried to throw these guys off the trail in their pursuit of ME. I wished things could have been different, but I was in no frame of mind to carry the responsibility of effectively communicating with them. I was flattered, maybe even a little excited, but I knew it was far too heavy for me to carry, especially at that time, especially living in fear of this woman who haunts my every move. I couldn't make them understand that and I was not willing to tell them the whole story unless I did so in person, but that's the part that makes this complicated. I honestly didn't realize how big the band had gotten, in terms of its success, and therefore I was totally and completely naive in thinking Gagneux would be free to come and go as he pleased. He is not free, he is anything but free.
I assume it is Volante I am talking to currently, on WhatsApp, by the way, because the account has his name on it, but it could be anyone. That's been half the problem, actually. These guys have contacted me over and over again under false names and when their real names appear on an account that connects with me, I am supposed to know it's mostly likely not them. But this time, I assume, I am supposed to accept it is them. So with that in mind (and yes it is hella confusing) I am assuming it is Volante himself who told me yesterday that he has BOUNDARIES. What are those boundaries? I would really like to know because it was Volante who way overstepped his boundaries when he started to interpret my social media posts to mean I was not at all interested in getting to know Gagneux. In fact, Volante inserted himself directly between the two of us, especially after I rejected THIS video, to the point where I could no longer discern which one I was talking to but somewhere along the way, he ended up in the middle of everything and like rust eating through metal, he has weakened the connection between Gagneux and myself and he has made my life the subject of harsh scrutiny. He ruined everything, very nearly.
Volante started texting me behind Gagneux's back, from what I can understand, but when I was texting Volante, I didn't know it. I thought it was Gagneux. Everyone in my family thinks I was catfished, by the way, so that doesn't help matters when I try to explain that they both used false names to contact me and therefore, there was no way to know for sure who was who, but they still expected me to know. I didn't know. I had no idea I was chatting with one while assuming it was the other. As one can imagine, this dynamic has lead to a lot of trouble, especially when I sent spicy photos to Volante, thinking it was Gagneux. Boys will be boys and, as it happens, men will be men and suddenly, I started to feel like a very small piece of meat in a very large shark tank. I believe I told this to one if not both of them and the farther along I go, I realize I do not know who was actually reading my texts back then but I am sure it was not exclusively Gagneux. This was the one problem I had hoped to avoid, but it was unavoidable, I guess.
I don't know if you've ever experienced burnout, but it does strange things to a person. I mentioned before that I have a veritable warehouse of information stored away in my mind and it was the shock of the breech of privacy, along with the burnout, that caused my brain to vomit forth so much information at once, directed at Gagneux. It was not easy on him at all and this makes me very sad. It was never my intention to pummel him with information but that is the consequence of the circumstance. I feel so awful about everything but it illustrates why I was so adamant about needing to meet face to face. Trying to get to know someone via texts is so problematic, but mingle that with the public forms of communications and misinterpretations, as well as the scrutiny from the onlookers, and Gagneux and I had conjured a very serious problem. It turned out to be explosively problematic when it comes to tempers flaring, to jealousy, to revenge, etc. My approach turned out to be one where I was doing my level best to repulse Gagneux, to save him from getting wrapped up in my personal problems, of which there were many. That plan, however, backfired and Volante decided he was doing his duty by casting me in a bad light to Gagneux, based on his interpretations of my social media posts. At that time, I had probably posted at least 2,000 pictures on my instagram, not to mention the hundreds of videos I posted on my YouTube channel, so to this very moment I wonder how it is that Volante could so confidently interpret my meaning to Gagneux, to the point of nearly destroying our friendship if not more, when I don't even understand half of what I posted at the time. As I stated in previous posts, I use Instagram as filing system. However, Volante confidently took charge of things and became intimately involved in many ways and some of those ways were extremely destructive.
I want to tell you all the gory details about all the things he said and did to me. I would love to tell you how he made posts about me on Instagram and mocked me and my family at times. I would love to tell you that I am pretty sure he's the one who tried to suggest I used AI to form my music project (Acchite) and so on and so on. He's thrown me under the bus so many times, in fact, I am rather grateful my corporeal presence in this world is still intact. He's said things to me that no mother, let alone woman, should ever have to read and he justifies it all by saying he was "upset" but that's not really an excuse when he hit so far below the belt he mocked my dead father, my divorce, my family, and so on. I do not know who died and made Volante the judge and jury of me and my entire life, but he sits upon his throne of self-righteousness, nevertheless, with gavel in hand and I do believe if he had the say, I would be thrown in a dungeon somewhere and he would gladly throw away the key. I believe he would love to see me disappear forever, who cares about how anyone else feels, right?
I would also love to map out all the ways in which I view Volante to have misogynist tendencies, but I know enough to know his perspective stems from his genuine concern for his career as well as his concern for Gagneux, most likely, but what this whole situation also suggests is that Volante's opinion of me is so goddamned low, he assumes I will never amount to anything on my own and he assumes Gagneux made the mistake of his life when he fixed his eyes on me. How hurtful. How presumptive. How ridiculous.
To be clear, Volante has never met me face to face but he has had no qualms about assuming the worst about me when I do things outside the realm of expectations and more than once I have received texts that state I "did everything wrong". I don't know exactly what I was expected to do, but I apparently did it all wrong. I was never given proper instructions on how to navigate a divorce while pleasing the nuances of the men from Switzerland while also struggling against the invisible walls of online communications. I can say I approached the whole thing with zest and vigor, however. But my main objective was never to ride anyone's coattails. Rather, I only ever wanted to connect with Gagneux to discuss music, face to face. It was too much to ask and though I could have gone to one of their hundreds of shows by now, it is just not my scene, so I never did and at this rate, I probably never will.
There are many gory details I could share here, complete with screenshots to prove it, that might make you see Volante in an entirely different light, if you care to look at him under any light at all. I am not going to explain everything, and I will definitely take responsibility for my provocations, but I can say I have never encountered such a person before. I've never had a total stranger make so many false assumptions about me without ever sitting in the same room as me, but due to their being privy to information that would have otherwise been private, Volante has made some pretty harsh judgements towards me, towards my marriage, towards my personal character, and my personal life, which fly in the face of every opinion those around me hold. What would you do if a total stranger knew what you do in your bedroom when you believe you're alone, by the way? I'll leave that question unanswered but you can use your imagination. I know I did.
But I would like to point out, friends who know me in real life never treat me with such disrespect. They do not insult me or deem me to be doing things wrong. They support me, offer words of encouragement, and tell me only positive things about myself. I have never ever had anyone make me feel as bad as I have felt since I started dealing with this situation. I have never had people so quick to assume the worst about me and I never realized my social media was going to invite this kind of trouble into my life. Though I still believe Gagneux and I have a lot in common, and perhaps its worth fighting for, I am telling you the truth when I say I also have many regrets. Specifically, I should have kept my social media posts private, I should not have invited prying eyes into my personal life. Or maybe I should have. That's the thing. I spent so much of my life trying to contort myself to adhere to the expectations of my ex-husband to the point where the real me started to no longer exist. It was the pain from this sense of self-erasure that I started to post online, in order to connect with myself, primarily. In the midst of all of this, Gagneux noticed my suffering and took a huge risk to reach out and help me. His initial intentions were good and kind even though it was shocking. Neither of us could have predicted the fallout and it is for this reason I understand his motivations and can forgive him for the heart attack he nearly caused me because, from what I understand, I affected him quite profoundly as well.
What I do not understand, though, is how Volante justifies himself, especially when he throws the term "boundaries" around as though he's taken some sort of high road throughout this entire exchange. He has not taken any highroad at all and it's his ignorance of the scope of the situation which has lead him to come to some very disturbingly cruel decisions where he said things to me that were beyond and boundary I would deem to be a common starting point between two people. He has criticized my voice, the speed at which I do things (even though I tried very hard to make it understood how my mind works in relation to a neurodivergent thing I have going on) etc. There as no compassion or understanding to be found anywhere and I can't help but assume it is because I am a woman, with breasts, a big ass, and pretty blue eyes which caused Volante to assume I should do one thing and one thing only and that is to shut up and do what I am told. Well, I've never been good at taking orders from men and I probably never will be. I will spare you the gory details and let Volante's career and reputation with his peers remain intact as best as it can for who he is as a person in his own life. Gagneux admonished me to have mercy on Volante, too. I view this as a character development on his Gagneux's part due to the fact that he's made an entire career singing about lack of mercy and it is out of my love and respect for Gagneux's original intentions to help me that I will end this blog post here. I could tear Volante to shreds, just as he has tried to do to me. I am not going to do that, but only because I know Gagneux reached out to help me because I somehow managed to help him by being myself and showing my soul to the world, back when things were a bit more innocent and I was a lot more oblivious. A lot has changed but underneath it all, the core of my being remains intact and I am happier now then I have been in a very long time, if ever. I believe I owe my life to Gagneux because the shock of knowing he was immersed in my life in a very intimate way provided such an intense jolt to my system, it shocked the hell out of me, quite literally. If he had not done that, I am pretty sure I would not be here. I am sure I would be dead because, at that time, I very much wanted my life to end. That is the truth. But, gratefully, I am still here, thanks to his efforts. Despite our misunderstandings, I will take his advice when it comes to my scathing assessment of Volante's role in all of this. I will have mercy because I am pretty sure Gagneux saved my life and I owe him this favour, even though his methods were rather unorthodox. I can only hope Volante takes the example Gagneux has set for him and I can only hope Volante also chooses to evolve as a human being, to show mercy, and turn the magnifying glass on himself first before he ever deems himself to be the one who has the right to cast that scrutiny onto others, especially people he does not know in real life. But that's all I have left that I am willing to say about it all. Time moves forward and the show must go on, after all.
The end.
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