The Love of my Friends (Saves My Life)
Sometimes, I lay awake in the small hours of the morning and wonder if anyone out there is thinking of me? Does anyone miss me? Does anyone care about me?
It's true. Sometimes I believe no one loves me or cares about me. Sometimes. Sometimes, I just can't seem to comprehend love and I feel very much alone. Other times? Loves washes over me like Niagara Falls and floors me. Love hits me where it hurts and provides an everlasting balm to remind me; I will never be lost. I will never be without love. Love will find me and love will find a way.
Through these last five years, it is the love of my friends which has carried me through, in lieu of the love of family, which used to be everything to me. Friends from the past, friends from the present, and friends who will surely be a part of my future, have filled the void in me in one way or another.
Yesterday, my neighbour brought me birthday cake (not my birthday). This morning, I opened my laptop and found a beautiful greeting from one of the best friends I've ever had in the entire world (Mr. Ireland!). He is in Montreal. He sent me a picture of my beloved Mr. Leonard Cohen (where Leonard Cohen is from). Everyone knows how I feel about Leonard Cohen. So, it's sort of like the Man himself swooped down into my little world this morning to remind me of all he and I have been through, together. It is Leonard Cohen's music that I've looked to as a form of moral compass when I am otherwise totally lost. He must have whispered it into my friend's ear, from up there on the side of the building, that I was in need. He does things like that (wink).
As for feeling lost? During one of the last fights I got into with my ex-husband, we were in the car and he and I were in a pretty bad state. I was miserable and he was miserable. The more I tried to explain myself, the angrier he got until he was in what I could only describe as a blind rage. I realized this is the effect I have on him and our personalities will never gel. If they were going to, they would have long ago. I knew the time had come to make a decision about the course of my life from that point on, but the situation devolved from bad to worse. He got so angry. He pulled the car over and flew out the door, in a state of intense ire. I was so empty inside, so depleted and so scared for my life on all levels. I was silently drowning. He refused to calm down when he got angry like this, nor have any form of rational discussion with me. It was either total silence, or total rage, it seemed to me. I felt like I was becoming a ghost. Invisible except for some unfathomably adverse reactions to my presence.
I felt so totally and completely alone. My mind went to my kids. I knew things had become unhealthy for them and I knew I had to make the decision that things needed to change but I was so scared and I felt so small and so weak. I ran away from the car, crying, just needing to put some distance between this angry man, who no longer seemed to be someone I even recognized, and me. I could never trace the point at which things changed between us, but they definitely did. We had become subversive enemies, every moment was an act. Nothing between us was genuine, loving or kind anymore. An unnamed poison had crept in and it was eroding our lives. I had that courage to face the truth, even if I was the only one. So, I ran away from him and the car and took off into a field. Grief was my constant companion, weighing upon my heart like a ball of lead. Grief for the marriage that was failing and dying right before my eyes. Grief for the look of shame my children carried in their eyes, the look of anger towards me, so many looks and so few words to convey what everyone was feeling. I ran and ran until I collapsed in a field. I looked to the sky and wondered if I died right then and there, would the world be better off without me? No one knew where I was. I could just fade away at that moment, and it would not matter. Then I looked to my left and saw a police officer coming over the knoll. She was walking towards me and it shocked me. How did she find me? And so quickly? Where did she even come from?
She knelt down by my side and I could not speak. I was crying so hard. I was so ashamed. So tired. So scared. She asked me if I was okay. I couldn't believe it. I couldn't believe that someone had arrived on the scene to help me. She proceeded to explain that someone saw my ex-husband in a rage and they also saw me take off into the field so they called the police. I could not believe my ears. Someone out there, a total stranger, in fact, noticed... me?
They not only noticed me, they noticed I was in peril and they called for help. Help arrived and took the time and the effort to find me. They found me sitting on the ground in a field. Crying. Wondering. Despairing. I had no idea what to do, but I knew going back to the car where my ex-husband's temper was broiling, was no option. I had become viscerally afraid of the effect we were having on each other and on that particular day, I knew it was over between us and it was time for me to plan my escape. But I thought I was alone.
It turns out, I was not alone. It turns out, people out there saw enough value in my life to call the police to intervene. Looking inwardly, at my life? I felt valueless. When I looked outwardly, it was like staring into the sun. The notion that other people could SEE me and see value in MY LIFE struck me like a bolt of lightning. My ex-husband had drilled it deeply into my psyche that I was not valued and never would be, somehow. Somehow he managed to warp my thinking entirely. Speaking to this woman jarred me and alerted me to the depth of trouble I was in. Slowly, slowly, slowly I began to wake up. I began to kick my feet and paddle my arms up and and up and up until I breeched the surface to find my way out of the darkness and out into the fresh air, so that I might find my breath anew.
This moment with this police officer was the first pebble, tossed onto the surface of the waters of my life. The disruption to the status quo was the first signal out, which sent the currents of change into my life, one day at a time, rippling across the span of time and space, over time. Sometimes they flowed slowly, sometimes they went fast, but the momentum had its way and got me out of that mess and back on dry land, where every footfall is more sure than the last.
This is the value of someone noticing the suffering of another person. It can change absolutely everything about the trajectory of their lives to know someone cares. It can save their lives and decrease their misery a thousand times over.
That day, I ran away from my ex-husband and hid in a ditch so he could not find me. He was not taking the fight as seriously as I was, but I had had enough. I was considering running away as I sat there, hovering in the bushes while he drove past me. When I chickened out, I crawled out of the ditch and started walking. Eventually, he picked me up. He asked me where I went. I told him what I did. He said nothing. Not long afterwards, the second argument ensued.
The rest is history.
And so it was this morning. A much less harsh reminder, but a steadfast reminder nonetheless. My friend reached out to me via text. Leonard Cohen reached out to me via the stars.
I was reminded of how much I am loved and when things seem to be darker than I can bear, the light breaks through and I know I can face another day with confidence. There may be those who do not see my value, but there are many who do. Those who do have carried me through these dark times, saving me from total despair. Friends are a priceless gift. I do not know where I would be without mine. A big thank you to you, Mr Ireland, if you happen to read this. xo
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