Every Child (Summoned)
The evenings wore on at one particular juncture of the beginning of the end, for me. I welcomed something to break the choke-hold that gripped my family. All realms of reality shifted and changed according to whatever online pursuits were going on at the time. We used to rally around video games and treated our kids by buying downloads of costumes and backgrounds. Online content. You have nothing to really show for it at the end of the day, but it definitely cut down on clutter and did they ever seem to enjoy it. But as they got older, their lives became more subdued, private, and unknowable. I thought I was doing the right thing by giving them space, but in hindsight? I should have thrown their cellphones in a box and locked them away for a little while longer and taken them away to some exotic place. I am sure I could have convinced the whole crew to do so, if I had come up with a decent plan. I couldn't seem to gather my thoughts well enough to do anything of the sort though we did do a little traveling.
It felt like one of those moments where they say the bigger they are, the harder they fall. I felt like I was growing in power and strength on some sort of spiritual level. I had visions of myself walking the earth as a giant. Or maybe not so much a giant as a god. I was not wrapped up in these imaginings to the point of being totally unreachable, but there was a world formulating before my mind's eye, pulling me in and becoming more real than reality. Is this madness? Or is it just coping with everything else that was going on around me? Nothing seemed normal at all and nothing seemed stable, but at the same time, nothing seemed impossible. A masterpiece was formulating itself. And then I fell right into it.
I think back on these days and I remember feeling myself being more desirous of exploring this world that was unfolding before me. I remember, one day, being so at odds with myself and everyone else that I leaned against a white birch tree and cried as though it was the first feeling of connection I had experienced in what seemed like an age. I could almost feel it's life force fortifying mine. I collapsed against its strength and it represents a pivotal moment for me in terms of this journey I have been on ever since. I can't help but talk about it, although I am sure I must have told this story a thousand times before. Nevertheless, it bears repeating because the significant sense of relief I felt was more than palpable. It felt like I had accidentally tapped into something familiar. It seemed like a beacon was going off inside the tree, comparable to a heartbeat, which tuned itself to that of my own heartbeat and suddenly I realized the sensation I was feeling was a relief from loneliness. It was a feeling of connection, one which I was not getting from any human being, and that was when I knew I was at a crossroads of sorts. I knew I was going to have to choose which direction to go in. I could either pursue this curious feeling, or abandon it to the status quo. I thought about it for a really long while before I decided to take action and choose my path. I made the choice to follow this mysterious experience, whatever the name of it may have been at the time.
I must have been under a spiritual attack of some kind, because something caused me to lose my ability to stand. I became physically weak, I would not be surprised if so because it is no secret my ex-husband and I were waring with magic, both dark and light. It was something that to this very moment goes unspoken but it is true, nevertheless. He was pulling on the darkness and I was pulling on the light. Things hit a fever pitch and I ended up on the floor, unable to stand for long, by the end of a three days of this. I wasn't eating. I had not been sleeping for months and my life was virtually imploding. What was happening inside my mind was very real to me whether it was induced or downloaded from some higher source, I may never know. Either way, it was real enough to me that I can still recall the details five years later. It's like I suddenly became witness to a battle of some kind and I began to attempt to convey the things I saw through playlists which told a comparable story. It was like a lengthy play, or better yet, an opera, and it was writing itself right before my eyes with some unseen pen, causing me to know where to look and what to look for. Even now, it reminds me of the lines from the song Suzanne by Leonard Cohen which goes something like this:
to the place near the river...
and shows you were to look
among the garbage and the flowers..."
I managed to weave some sort of narrative together which was accompanied by a certain kind of rhythm that ended up sounding, to me, like a heartbeat. Whose heartbeat? Mine? The Earth's? At that time, I wasn't even sure the Earth had a heartbeat, but it turns out that it does.
I always hoped that I could make others see what I saw, but my mother once told me a prophet is not recognized in their own homeland. I never considered myself to be something as grande as a prophet, but I took these words to heart. I tried so hard to explain all of this to her, as well as many others. It never went well. But the story is still so alive in me, I feel I should make another attempt, even if it proves to be a final attempt. I can't stay in this headspace forever.
I did hear a heartbeat coming from somewhere and then it felt like the proverbial scales fell, not from my eyes, but from my ears. I suddenly could hear things I never heard before. I heard a certain dynamic erupt within me that seemed to formulate as an ultimate representation of male and female. I felt feminine energy rise within me. I felt a sudden awareness of masculine energy which I had been previously unaware of or perhaps immune or inured to. It is very challenging to describe but I experienced an awareness of opposites, which I can only articulate in the form of the concept of male versus female. To put it in terms unassociated with gender, it was like a darkness and a lightness came together somehow, someway, but in the beginning, there was no malice, no deception, just a purity of awareness and in that purity, I heard the rhythm of a heartbeat. I had to figure out what it was and where it came from. Things took a dark turn along the way, but at first it was a light-filled experience and I felt a certain fearlessness to explore due to all the previous preparations I had subconsciously made in the days, weeks, and years leading up to it.
Prior to this experience, many many years ago, I had a dream of a man in a cab, stopping by to pick me to deliver a message. I have spoken of this many times as well, but it also left an indelible mark upon my memory. It was a harbinger. A premonition. A visitation. The being was black, dressed in a pristine pin-striped suit. He placed a ring on my ring finger and it began to glow, revealing a symbol.
The next day I wondered if I had not been watching and reading a little too much Tolkien. I held the dream in the back of my mind but one day asked a professional dream interpreter to interpret it for me. She did and afterward, I realized it was not to be taken lightly though the meaning she offered me was a positive one, ultimately. It turns out the dream reflected the reality I faced, right down to the brick building the cab was parked in front of. One of the things he told me was that I would face a period of loneliness vast and expansive and frightening. All would be taken away, for a time and for a purpose. Yet, in his eyes I saw love there, I saw enduring love. He knew he was asking a lot of me, but I made the promise he asked me to make. It is a promise I will never put words to, but I made it with full intentions of keeping it.
So, one layer of my life's experience dove-tailed with the next and the next until I can now look behind me at the extensive amount of record-keeping I have done to demarcate fact from fiction in this overall tale which happens to be my life and I am comforted to know that I can safely affirm I wound up with some rather valuable experiences and life-lessons. More than that, though, I can see how the future flashed before my eyes, in times past, and brought me to moments such as this where I want to share these personal details of my story.
I discovered the Earth's heartbeat through uncommon means. I mined a sense of love within myself that I never knew existed. I reconciled myself to who I am in this world and I learned to accept the status of a God. Maybe I am not one, but then again, maybe I am. Maybe you are as well. Or maybe, God is us.
Honestly, I suspect the latter is true. But the reason why I say that is because tuning in to this frequency put me in touch with a sea of spirits belonging to children. And I can't say that is mere coincidence given the discovery of unmarked graves of our Indigenous Children (Every Child Matters) not to mention the slaughtering and brutal starvation and murdering of thousands of Palestinian children in Gaza, at this very moment.
Children's spirits were summoned from a place where they were otherwise lost, or so it seems to me. I KNOW I am not a God, but I believe, and also in fact know, I was somehow tasked with the burden to hear these children and to know they exist, somewhere. Upon this realization I think some sort of beacon became active within me and they could somehow see me and hear me. This is what I came to understand. This is what I saw. This is what I now know.
Can you prove me wrong? I don't think you can.
The artwork I am sharing in this post represents this concept; children calling and emerging from hidden realms, being called from some lost place, somehow. It was just a whisper of a notion, at the time. I followed the threads as they were revealed to me and articulated these visions through ink drawings. It is my pleasure to share them with you.
Comments
Post a Comment